It Was Probably the Winter Depression

So, let’s just face it. I’m a terrible human being. Honestly, my motivation has been pretty much next to none. It’s always been an issue I’ve had. When I have nothing to wake up for—I pretty much just don’t. I’ll lay in bed doing nothing until about 12 and then I’ll feel like a complete waste of life and will myself out of bed. By then I don’t wanna do anything but the bare necessities (sometimes eating/showering isn’t on that list). NOT ANYMORE! I know the only thing to do is to push through it. Maybe that whole winter depression hit me hard? Who knows. But it’s spring. The sun is out. It’s time for this flower to grow and be productive. Working out every morning, applying to jobs, and eating healthy. Summer is almost here and I’m not going back to Florida.

Speaking of Florida I should get you caught up. I kept mentioning the cruise and how I was dreading it—being on a boat with my family (who aren’t big fans of me) for a week. Well, when my family first showed in Florida it was actually nice. My cousins were cool. No one treated me like a kid. Except my middle brother, Mike. Granted he’s always been the one I’ve had the most issues with. He was the only there there when I was in NYC alone. He helped somewhat but not really. I told my oldest brother, Andy, that this is what he does. This is why he upsets me. He talked to me and then I think he must’ve talked to him. Mike tried more after that and so did I. We’ve always been the meanest and most sarcastic. Maybe that’s why we’ve always fought so much. One night on the cruise was a party and I was drunk and dancing. My brothers constantly groaned when I danced like a gay whore except this night. I was twerking to Rihanna (obvi) and Mike started spraying me with water and cheering me on. It felt like they finally just accepted; that’s Nick.

So the actual cruise was incredible. I shared a room with Andy. Dear lord. He was like awake every day by 8. Me not so much. Thankfully he gave me like an extra hour to sleep (I was out late every night—they had a club on the cruise–it sucked) and brought me a smoothie. They all got the drink package but my mom and I didn’t. Thankfully they handed me drinks often. There was a lot of drinking and tanning by the pool. They had a robot bar where he literally designed your own drink. So Andy would order me one that was like 70% vodka and 20% club soda and 10% ice. That usually fucked me up for a few hours. The food was meh. Except the restaurants. We all ate together about 3 times. It was nice. We had a huge group. My immediate family of about 8, Luis’s close friends (about 5?), De’Anthony’s family (about 5?), and my mom’s friends (about 4?). So our dinners were an ordeal. We had to organize them by like breakfast. But damn one night was unlimited lobster. We all WENT IN. We must’ve ordered about 20 lobster tails just to our table. It was free unlimited food. We got our money’s worth. Ordered every entree on the menu (not kidding). There was a water slide, zip lining, arcade, shows, a casino, several bars, and the club. Dear god the club. It was fun…for the first day. It was the same two DJs with the same set. And the music focused more on the rap side. I needed more Rihanna and Beyoncé to shake my ass to. I became famous by the end of the cruise. From my awesome karaoke skills to my sick dance moves. Everyone knew who Nick was even if I had no idea who they were.

We visited three islands. St. Thomas, Puerto Rico, and an island of Haiti the cruise ship owned. On St. Thomas I wanted to hit up the beach but I was with Andy and for some reason he wanted to stay near our parents. Who were…shopping…you could read my pissed off look from a mile away. I finally told him. Fuck this. Let’s go. Problem? The beach was far and everyone was taking a cab there. No cabs were handicap accessible. Then I looked at the map. There was one beach in the opposite direction. 2 miles away. I could walk there. But the cruise people weren’t sending us that way. I thought nothing of it. So we went there. This side of the island was destroyed still. Downed power lines, buildings destroyed, etc. They didn’t wanna show their guests that. However! The beach was impeccable. It had a beautiful view. There were literally only like 5 people there all of which were locals. It was amazing. On Puerto Rico all my family had “excursions” to do—tour of the Bacardi factory, ATV, etc. I couldn’t do of that so I told them I would do my own thing that day. They were concerned. I was on an island all by myself. Woe is me. So I explored the island. Walked all of it. We were in old San Juan. I explored the two forts on the island then started roaming the side streets away from the tourists. And I found it. My heaven. The strip of local bars. I hopped in one that had a drink special and ordered an appetizer and margarita and chatted with the locals. One of the guys told me they just had gotten power back 2 weeks before we got there. It was kind of sad. Here we are on this expensive boat eating unlimited lobster tails while these people don’t even have power. Two people asked me: “are you Puerto Rican?” So I replied: “yeah, both my parents were born here but I was born in NYC.” Their response (both of them): “oh so you’re almost Puerto Rican.” I guess so…Anywho, after that margarita I was fucked up. It was the first island we had WiFi…so I hopped on Grindr. Was supposed to go meet this guy but I was still eating and drinking. By the time I went to meet him it was too late. He had to return to work and I had to head to the boat. Forever lost. My Puerto Rican Grindr hook up. The last island we visited was owned by the cruise. So it was nothing but beaches and such. It was amazing. They lent me this little raft and I just kind of floated out in the water. Tanning and talking to my brothers. Honestly the cruise was amazing. Hella expensive. For that price there would be a more interesting trip I think but I would definitely do it again. (Not for a week though. I got tired of seeing some people every fucking day).

My social life: I’ve been incredibly single. Hook ups here and there (more here then they should be…). A few guys I’ve kind of liked but didn’t go anywhere. Whatever. It’s gonna be summer. I’m gonna be hot and I’m gonna follow Britney Spears and spread myself around.

Things with my new roommate are good. He’s a chill straight guy. Keeps to himself. My friend circle is still about the same.

Omg. I almost didn’t mention. So I played a MMO as a kid. Final Fantasy XI. It’s where I met my first boyfriend. Still have some friends from it to this day…well…I kind of restarted playing it out of boredom. My ex boyfriend still plays…I see him everywhere. He even saved me one time. It’s so awkward. We dated and lived together like 8 years ago. We joke but I can tell he’s keeping me at arms length and I can see he hasn’t changed much. Thankfully some friends I know still play too. So it’s kind of nice to have when I’m kind of at a loss for the day. And it beats going out and getting drunk.

That’s pretty much it! Let’s keep this up! Let’s be productive and get hot this summer!

Somewhere Between These Blackouts Was Turkey

Only 3 weeks in and I already fell behind again. I’m really an awful person. I’ll use the defense that the holidays distracted (which is so not true—but that’s none of your damn business!)

So two weeks ago was Josie’s birthday weekend. We had an entire weekend planned. It was gonna be lit. We went out Friday we’re having fun then ended up at Fantasy. This cute guy wanted to fool around with me in the bathroom so I went with him (I’m not kidding. What’s a hand job from a stranger in a public bathroom?) I get back and Marlin tells me that Josie is hurt. I think nothing of it but he tells me he’s serious. Apparently Antonio went to dance bachata with her and dip her and her white ass busted her knee in the process. So her entire birthday weekend was ruined. I felt really bad for her. We all ended up going home.

Saturday Marlin was going to see Cirque De Soleil and didn’t get home until 11. Josie was down and Antonio was taking care of her. So I had no one to go out with so I stayed at home and watched movies.

Sunday Marlin took Josie and Antonio to see Cirque. When they got home I came over and we all started drinking and playing video games. Josie went to sleep early but Marlin, Antonio, and I were fucked up. We decided we wanted to go out. Problem? By the time we wanted to go out it was 3:30 AM…we agreed YOLO—the clubs close at 4. Let’s go. We got to Boystown and no where was letting us in. Really I don’t know what our dumb drunk asses were thinking. Thankfully as we were passing Fantasy we saw our friend who is one of the owners. He invited us in and we all started hanging. We were drinking. A lot. I blacked out (I was drunk before we even got there). Marlin literally has pictures of me with closed/cross-eyed eyes. Forever classy. We stayed drinking at Fantasy and hanging out until like 5:30 AM. Marlin sent me home cause I was blacked out and they all continued hanging out until like 7:30…can’t say our life isn’t interesting.

Monday I was literally hungover the entire day. I was sick and threw up and didn’t feel better until Tuesday. Whoops.

So I had no where to go for Thanksgiving so I asked Marlin if I could go with him to see his family. Most of his family knows and likes me anyways so he agreed. I was always taught never show up without a dish so I made this Puerto Rican meal (his entire family is German. I figured they could use something a bit more ethnic)—it’s called pastaleon. It’s essentially a Puerto Rican lasagna. Ground beef, green beans, and platanos all layered. My mom didn’t know the exact recipe so I fucked up the platanos part but my meat and green beans were fire. My grandmother would be so proud.

Anywho, so we get there and I’m pooping and I’m looking at their collections of magazines and I see a Disney one. At the top it says “Micky Maus” and I’m thinking that’s weird. Then I continue to look through the magazine and it’s just making no sense…then I remember they’re all German. I was trying to read German and couldn’t fathom why I didn’t know these words. His sister and brother are great. I’ve already hung out with them several times. His mom was a bit over bearing but whose mom isn’t? But she was very nice. And his dad was almost quietly intimidating.

So for Thanksgiving dinner we went to his aunt’s house. His grandmother was cooking. It was fun. Good food. Afterwards they decide they wanna play some games. Marlin was being too lazy to stand up so we start playing Telephone. Marlin’s mom is the one whispering things to me. Anywho, it’s her turn to make a phrase and she whispers in my ear and I have NO idea what she said. It didn’t make sense. I pieced together what I thought I heard. Turns out she freaking whispered a German phrase to me and did not tell me it was German so my brain associated how these words sounded to an English word. It did not turn out well. They did that to me twice. Rude. Then we started playing a Truth or Dare game we found on the App Store. It was supposed to be for kids but some of the questions/dares were certainly not for kids. “Who in this room of the same gender would you have sex with?”/”Chug the rest of your drink”/etc. What the fuck kind of kid’s truth or dare is that? Makes me terrified/intrigued to play the adult version. Anywho, we all ended up going back to Marlin’s place and playing video games all night. It was a nice Thanksgiving and I’m glad I had people to spend it with. Certainly made me thankful for the friend’s I’ve made over the past few years here in Chicago.

I was actually well behaved Friday and Saturday. I was kind of socially overwhelmed still. While I enjoyed Thanksgiving spending that much time (especially in an intimate space) with strangers is taxing.

Sunday I was ready. Josie refused to miss another day out too. We were gonna make Sunday funday our bitch. (Sunday funday made us its bitch.) So we get to hydrate and we had sobered up because Antonio cut my hair before we left but it was a group effort and it was just rushed. None of us were feeling it. Marlin and Antonio left to go buy a little thing of vodka so we can do shots. Josie is sitting on a stool and I see she’s upset. I try talking to her but it wasn’t really working. Marlin gets back and Josie and I go to do a shot in the bathroom. She starts telling me why she’s upset. It sucks that she can’t move at the club comfortably. I get it. I feel bad for her. I’ve had this feeling a lot. I’ve gone to parties where I can’t even bring my wheelchair. I’ve had to just sit on a couch the entire time. It’s frustrating. Not many people appreciate the freedom of mobility. If I wanna go join a conversation sometimes I can’t. Even when I do have my wheelchair. Either there’s too many people in my way. There’s steps. People are sometimes just too tall and it’s rude of me to expect them to get closer to my height so I can hear them. I felt bad for her but we joked with her—girl it’s not like she’s out tearing up the dance floor. She’s usually just standing in one spot anyways. She laughed cause she knew we were right and calmed down. Then we all started to have fun. A lot of fun. We agreed to go home at a decent time so poor Josie hobbled over to pick us up pizza while her boyfriend came to pick her up and then Antonio, Marlin, and I were gonna leave. As we were about to leave Marlin’s ex walks in. Sees us and instantly turns around and walks out. We can’t leave yet now. Our friend buys us shots. We are having fun. Josie is blowing up our phones. She’s mad we aren’t leaving. We finally left like 15 minutes after we told her we would. We get back home. She’s mad and doesn’t wanna talk to us so she went to her room. Marlin, Antonio, and I keep drinking. Then I made a joke about Marlin’s ex. Sure enough there’s a knock at the front door and in he comes. Antonio and I both look at Marlin like wtf. First thing his ex does? Comes in and starts calling Antonio a whore. Literally meaning it. I’m drunk and confrontational and I’m not gonna let him talk shit about my friend so I go in. He then tells Marlin he doesn’t know why he hangs out with us. He can do better. (Like his friends are so much better?) Marlin tries to calm the situation down but it’s not happening. His ex decides to go to bed and demand Marlin joins him. Marlin says no cause he is playing video games with us. He gets mad. Continues talking shit about us. We agreed he needs to go. We call his friends and they come to get him. He starts causing a scene. Mind you Josie is definitely sleeping now. So we try to shut him up. His friends walk him out and he gets mad and does something fucked up. After he leaves the three of us are…varying degrees of upset. Marlin wants to go back out. We agreed.

We ended up back in Boystown at roscoes. We found Jimmy and hung out with him. It was also Britney night and drag queen night. Famous drag queens from RuPaul were there. It was fun. We drank a lot more than we should have that day. I think total we had about 10 drinks each. Whoops. We head home and as I’m walking Marlin tells me he’s hungry and bring him food. I was gonna get some McDonald’s anyways so I go to get him some. He’s texting me hurry and bitching. I get the food and text/call him…he fell asleep. Bastard. I gave the nuggets and fries I bought him to my roommate.

Today I have auditions again. I swear to god if I’m just a door man again…I’m not gonna do much…but fuck around on Grindr the whole time again…but still! I wanna see the actors actually speak. I wanna hear monologues. I actually wanna be a part of casting!

So in two weeks I’ll be back in Florida. Luis’s wedding and then a family cruise for a week. I am looking forward to it but also dreading it so badly. A week on a boat with people who barely like me. Most of them haven’t even seen drunk Nick either and there’s no way I’ll survive this trip without being drunk Nick. So it should be interesting. I’m thinking of reaching out to Jimmy and Russell while I’m back home. I haven’t spoken to Russell in about a year and Jimmy in longer. I don’t like the idea of these two people who were my best friends not liking me. I think this could be my last attempt to salvage some sort of relationship with them. The Jimmy one I know isn’t likely and that’s fine and probably for the best. But Russell. I often wonder about. Who is he hanging out with? Where is he living? How’s his mom? I wanna talk to him about Pokémon. Hopefully he’ll agree to meet me. Maybe he’ll come to Luis’s wedding. My mom wouldn’t mind driving him home afterward. I’ll reach out to mutual friends and see if he gets back to me. I hope so.

The Roller Coaster Never Stops

So it’s been a while since I’ve even mentioned his name…but Jimmy will be making another debut…but let’s start chronologically. 

A couple of weeks ago the guys (Patrick, Piggy, Russell, and Manny) all came to visit in Chicago. The boys’ bus got delayed in Atlanta so okay Piggy was there for the weekend. Friday I had an event on campus. Pitch day. Basically it was all the film students coming together so we get a chance to potentially work on a film this summer. We all pitched ourselves and skills but by the end…when we were all supposed to mingle we all just went off into our departments. So I went to talk to my screenwriting friends. We hung out and then they decided to go to a bar afterward. I was just hanging out and talking. Then this guy (the holy guy I really hit on in my department) invited me outside to go smoke some weed with him. So I did. It’s good to be finally making friends with them. I hope it leads somewhere. Afterward I went to meet Lauren and Piggy at Cheesie’s. We ended up at the gay bars dancing but Piggy felt uncomfortable so we just headed home.

Saturday, Piggy and I decided since the guys were arriving Sunday…we should stay out all night drinking and meet them still drunk Sunday morning. Perfect plan. We went to Cheesie’s to hang out for a bit and then ended in Wriggleyville. It’s right next to Boystown but it’s the hetero bars. I haven’t been to a straight bar in a while. Somehow I found the only gay guy there but he was way too drunk so I stopped that. Flirting with girls all night and just danced. Then we ended up at an after hours bars. I got wasted here. Some guy bought me a shot and a drink, then literally while I still had a drink in my hand…another guy offered me a drink…straight guys are weird. So they both bought me drinks all night. I ended up accidentally butt dialing Alex (the guy I almost went out with–because he’s the only person I’ve ever Facetimed). He called me back and invited Piggy and I over. We get there at about 8, obviously drunk…and he thinks it’s mimosa time. We had mimosas until the guys arrived and they took a cab over. After that we left his place at about 12. So I basically drank from 6 PM to 11 PM…I lost my voice that weekend.  We all got back and passed the fuck out. 

Monday was the drunk spelling bee. It was a lot of fun having the guys there for that. But Piggy was leaving that next day to head to Florida. So we had to leave early. Russell and Manny stayed out with Lauren and came home way late still drunk. Jelly. 

Tuesday was their last night in town so we all tried going out after I had class. I met them at this pizza place with Eric and then called Alex. He headed over as well. He kept trying to get us to go to scarlet but nobody wanted to go, so we left him. Ended up walking to what we thought was this bar…but it wasn’t. Frustratedly we ended up going to scarlet because Alex promised us free drinks. He didn’t deliver and it was country night. So the boys were bored. We just gave up and ended up back at Cheesie’s and the night picked up from there. We met friends and drank a lot and talked. It was fun. Alex invited me back to his place afterward so I went…I didn’t do anything because all I could think about was potentially seeing Jimmy in a few days. So I went home. 

I arrived in Florida Thursday night. Ended up just chilling with Laura and Manny at Buffallo Wild Wings. It was actually a lot of fun. 

Friday night I texted Jimmy telling him I’m in town and to let me know if he wants to see me. He responded he won’t be back until Wednesday so I said whatever. We (Piggy, Laura, Vincent, and Mike) all ended up going to the classiest college bar in the area, Knight’s Pub…$5 cover (I paid nothing) and free drinks until midnight. God, do I miss cheap drinking. Laura had to go home cause she worked the next day so Vinny drove her home. Piggy, Mike, and I stayed out. We started walking to another bar when Mike and I see two kids fighting. We both asked each other if we should intervene and before the other could answer we were running over. Mike stopped the kid winning the fight and I started talking to the other kid. He was from Chicago but didn’t know where he was staying. I was willing to walk with this kid back to where he was staying but he wouldn’t say. Lucky his friend (the one who kicked his ass–because he was trying to drive drunk) ordered him a cab. So Mike ride with the kid home and Piggy and I continued to the bar. By the time Mike returned it was time to go home so we did. 

Saturday some UCF areas were celebrating St. Patty’s Day. We decided to go to that. It was supposed to be Laura, Patrick, Piggy and I but Piggy bailed for Megan. So the three of us went. I hate college bars now but boy did it make me grateful to go to UCF. I’ve never seen another college affiliated event like that. We had an outside DJ stage. A dance floor. Tents with green beer. It was fun. I just hung out with Laura and Patrick all night. Nothing too crazy. I ended up texting Jimmy…if he was back home in Tampa he could’ve seen me when I headed to Lakeland…he must’ve been in Massachusetts with his girlfriend. So I said that and said don’t even worry about it. Whoops. 

The rest of the days were kind of chill. Until Monday. Patrick, Russell, and I went to this new bar which was offering free appetizers for lunch. So we got those and started heading back to campus. I was talking to Patrick and did not even notice a giant step in the concrete. I went face first out of my chair and landed on my face and chest. My jaw is still busted. I can’t eat real foods :(. 

So Wednesday…Jimmy texted me telling me he wasn’t in Massachusetts…I said that’s none of my business and we planned to meet up that night after he finished a study session. He picked me up at about 10:30. It was too late for froyo and I couldn’t eat so we went to grab a beer at Lazy Moon. We hadn’t seen each other in 10 months and spoken in about 6. I went in wanting to be a total bitch. I mean he cheated on me and left me for a girl, but I quickly lost that. He gets so happy and charming when he sees me. We ended up just chatting like normal. Then he was showing me a text he sent me to clarify what it meant when…she texted him. At the top of the screen I see: “good night, I love you.” I literally just turned away. He asked what was wrong so I told him you got a text message. I just started laughing. What was I doing? Sitting here having a beer with the guy who I am still in love with, who hurt me like no one ever has, who has a fucking girlfriend. What’s wrong with me? So we started with that conversation. He told me how much he regrets hurting me and he’s still not sure about his choice and how much he misses me. I told him stop. I don’t need to hear this. He thinks he made the right choice ultimately because he still doesn’t know if he can be with me sexually. Neat. We never tried. And worse case…I would’ve been fine with that. There’s more to intimacy than sex. Oh well. He drove me home. I started playing Style by Taylor Swift in the car (the song fits so eerily well) and he turns to me: “I get the tight little skirt.” “So does that mean I get the James Deam day dream look in my eyes?” “Yeah. Yeah you do.” We arrived at Russell’s complex and it was egg shells. I asked him if he wanted to go for a walk and he said: “Yeah. I’m not ready for bed and I don’t want this night to end. I don’t know the next time I’ll see you.” We walked and talked. He kept saying things along the line of: “I wish I hadn’t gone to Massachusetts.” I stopped him each time. Why say that? We talked for hours. It flowed. We knew what the other was going to say. We knew what the other’s face was doing even if we couldn’t see. We still know each other in-and-out. It’s also obvious we are both still in love with each other. However, at the end of the night. He said he made his decision. He can’t take it back. He still thinks it’s better for us in the long run. I also think we both realized…we are stuck with each other for life. This connection we have…will never die. He’s my best friend and him mine. He was crying. I turned to leave. I wanted to cry but I just couldn’t bring myself to tears. He told me: “Sorry for ruining your life.” “Don’t flatter yourself, Jimmy.” Ruin is a strong word. Altered severely and forever? Yes. Ruined? Nah. I’m going to see him next weekend (the day before I head back to Chicago) for Manny’s going away party. We should both be drunk that night. I’m scared. I want him still. So badly. But the things he would have to do to prove he wants me to…he would never do. We both know this. So what’s the point? I continue on with my life in Chicago like I have been for the past 6 months. 

On a lighter note: finals week is finally over. Technically I’ve been in Florida for finals week but whatever. I had fun all the while still doing my finals. When I arrive back in Chicago it’ll be to nicer weather and new classes. I’m ready. I miss Florida…but nothing has changed here and I certainly have. 

Valentine’s Came and Went

So a couple of weeks ago was the drunk spelling bee. I went with Lauren, Jacqueline, and Christea. The event has become so crowded that they had to move it to a bigger room. Some Asian guy assimilated himself into our group and he won the spelling bee. I don’t know if that means our group won but the queens were definitely dethroned. It was fun but we were all kind of tired so we quickly bailed afterward and went home.

This weekend. Oh lordie. I didn’t want to stay in at all this weekend cause it was valentines day so I went out Friday and Saturday.

Friday I ended up at scarlet and just dancing. It was a no pants party so I wore a super cute tank top and undies. Andrew Christian (the famous underwear designer) was there giving away undies. I met him and yelled at him for not having stuff in my size. I ended up running into this guy, Alex. He’s super cute and funny and him and his friends were heading to Cheesie’s. So I decided to tag along. Alex and I sat and bonded for a while and it was nice. Then some guy comes over and asks to take a picture with me because–I’m “cute” I’m “kind of a celebrity around here.” Alex and I both knew how it fucked it was but whatever. Then apparently Alex knew the guy and the guy asked to take a picture with all of us. Alex just said no and turned to me and continued talking. It was great. I went to take the train home and his friends were on the opposite side. I look over and some guy was harassing them for being gay. Strangers stepped in and contacted the CTA but I was so surprised. That someone would pick a fight with a gay guy in Boystown. Seemed ludicrous.

Saturday I went out again. I started at Cheesie’s and just hung out and had a few drinks. Afterward I went to scarlet and I had way more drinks and danced. Then this guy, Grant, (who I’ve seen and danced with a bunch of times but never really spoke to) started dancing with me. He demanded we hang out all night. He’s hot. So I did. We made fun of the other guys and just had fun. Afterward he made me go to an after hours bar. He paid my cover and brought me in. He said he wanted to find some hot sluts so I offered to help. Any guy who tried to get with him he quickly shunned away and kept dancing with me…okay…then I saw a guy who had the hair color of the beard color I wanted. So I stated talking to him. I talked and danced a little but kept going back to Grant. Grant asks me, “who’s your new boyfriend?” Uh…end of the night all the gay guys look for their last minute hook ups. Grant got tons. One guy literally started making out with him so I turned away. Turn back and Grant is motioning to me. The guy then comes over and starts making out with me…what? I say no and he tried to go back to Grant but Grant pulled me away. Then some guy started forcing himself on Grant even though Grant was saying no and trying to push him off. So I stepped in…ran the guy over…grabbed Grant’s hand and pulled him away. (Can’t make this shit up). Grant tells me, “I’m so into you.” Oh? We go outside and start talking. He tells me we should hang out more and definitely outside of Boystown. I haven’t heard from him since.

Today, Lauren woke up and I was ready to go good shopping with her but first thing she says: “Jacqueline broke up with me.” Shit. We hung out the day and then decided to go out to Cheesie’s. We found our friend, Adam, (the guy I almost hooked up with with we first moved here) who also just broke up. We had lots of drinks. Lots of food. And lots of flirting. The topic of drugs came up. Next thing you know, we are in his apartment doing coke. Whoops. First time for everything. I didn’t really feel anything even though I snorted like twice. Maybe it was the e-cig I was smoking all night. When did I become…that? It was a fun night. Lots of music and serious talk and playing with a cat. I was pretty sure Adam and I were going to hook up (he literally grabbed my dick on the way up) but the new guy he is talking to came over and I felt pretty foolish. Oh, well. Probably for the best. As much as I want a FWB, I don’t wanna be anyone’s rebound.

This quarter is almost over. It’s hard. Tv writing is getting to me. It’s hard to write a script for a currently airing tv show because the story changes every week. My film though is good. My professor told me: “I have questions about your film…but I don’t think they need to be answered. So just write.” Okay. Works for me.

Heading home to Florida in a couple of weeks. I can’t believe how long I’ve been here in Chicago. The adventure I’ve gotten into. I’m excited if this was just a couple of months what the next few years will bring.

Another Year Older…Not Too Much Wiser

Meh. I wish I could say I haven’t been doing these because I’m super busy…but I’m not. In all actuality I don’t know what it is. I’m not that super depressed. I’m not stressed. I just am lazy probably.

Two weeks ago was my birthday. I turned 26. God I feel old. At 25 I could still do stupid things and say I’m young. Now I feel like I can’t do that anymore. Sadly…that day…I was still young and stupid. I went out with Lauren and a few of our friends. We went to Cheesie’s had a few drinks and a lot of shots then we went out dancing. Lauren got frustrated and left early. I stayed with Eric and Christia, but they soon left too. After I had even more drinks. I got convinced by some guys to stay longer so I did. They bought me even more drinks. I blacked out. I came to on my train at my stop throwing up on myself at 5 AM as someone asked if I was okay…I wasn’t. I got off and took the bus home and passed out in my shower. Turned 26 and still drinking like I’m 20. God I’m a man-child…honestly, part of me all day was hoping to get a birthday wish from…him, but alas that didn’t happen and it’s fine.

School is picking up. It’s the mid point of the quarter. I am now working on my script for a feature length film and also a script for a spec of the flash. It should be fun. On an awesome note, last quarter I wrote a 5 page script that was hopefully to be picked by the directing students in order to be produced. My script was picked. By the end of this quarter, a script I wrote will be converted to film. I’m so excited about that.

Last weekend, I went out with one of my friends. We went out dancing and once again I had a lot to drink. Guys kept buying me drinks. My friend left but I met this guy. He was super cute and I was into him. He bought me drinks and then we were dancing. He just looks at me and says, “how awkward would it be if I picked you up?” I didn’t know how to respond so he did it. (This has always been kind of a sexy wish of mine. I think it’s so cute to just be picked up and danced with). Then he tells me let’s go outside cause he wants to talk to me more. So we go outside (mind you it is snowing hard). We talk out in the snow (again romantic). He says time for more dancing then leads me back in. He buys me more drinks and confirms it’s time to go. We stand outside and after all of the guys I’ve dealt with…I just cut to the chase: “Are you into me?” “I don’t know. But I had so much fun with you. Let’s just enjoy that.” I take that as a no. My…stance changed. He asked if I was upset so I said no…just confused. Then he began getting mad at me. Telling me that I’m ruining this great night we had. I just met this guy. I don’t want to deal with this so left. He calls me. He asks what is my deal and why I am being a jerk. I said I’m not and I would like to be his friend just getting lead on kind of annoys me. He still starts getting mad at me and starts saying I’m just drunk. Nope. So done with that. I said forget it and hung up. This is why I don’t want to try for dating anymore. When I put effort or believe someone is into me…something happens. I just want to drink and play video games and hang out with my friends and go to school. I’ll stick to that.

Snow. Lots of fucking snow. The night I was coming home after dancing it was snowing hard. I had to slide down the street in about an inch of snow. By Tuesday there was about 2 feet of show piled up outside my apartment. I couldn’t go to class all week and I hate it. I hate being stuck at home. I have plans this weekend so I hope the snow is melted enough so I can get the fuck out.

I’m going home to Florida in a month. My mom is buying me a ticket. I’m so excited but I’m also…scared as hell. I want to see Jimmy so badly…and I think he will want to see me…but it’s going to suck to know he’s still dating that girl over me…to see him after a year of not seeing each other for one day…it’s going to change things. I just don’t know what outcome will happen. I’m not thinking we are getting back together. I don’t want that. I’m just confused if we will try to be friends or if this will pick at our scab of our relationship or we will both realize how much the other has changed in a year and hate each other. But whatever. I’ll get to see all my friends and my family and get my fucking tan going again.

I Watch Us Go Round-and-Round

Where to begin? So I went out one night…and did something stupid. I drunkenly messaged Jimmy telling him I miss him and think about him everyday but I also want to punch him in the face. The next day I had a job interview and some errands to take care of. As I was getting dressed I see on my phone: “Jimmy added you on Snapchat. Jimmy sent you a snapchat.” It was to Russell asking how do you say I’m sorry in Japanese. I replied asking why he sent that to me…he told me I was intended to see the final product…how sweet? You cheated on me and left me for a girl and haven’t talked to me in 2 months and your apology is over snap chat. I was so frazzled. I told him I can’t deal with this and we should talk later. Later that evening he messages me saying: “he doesn’t want to go through with us talking because he is still confused and not even sure if he made the right choice but that he misses me.” Neat. I messaged him Saturday night saying what the heck. Yeah, he can fix everything. It’s awful but I know I would get back with him if he did some great things to prove he wanted me. He said he knows I want him to fix things he just doesn’t know how. So I asked if he’s still dating that girl…he is. So I said don’t worry about it. I don’t know why I do this. Why we so this. I’ve been…fine these past couple of months. I’ve missed him yes. I do want him to fight for me. But if he’s not going to. I can live with that.

On to positive things. My money problems with the school are gone but now I have to turn my two year program into a 3 year one. Kind of sucks. Means I’m stuck in Chicago until I’m like 28. Egad. Oh well. Who knows what the next few years have in store for me.

So I haven’t been going out because Lauren and I have been broke. Fuck that. I went to celebrate being done with a bulk of my classes so I went out dancing. No roofies this time. So that’s a good thing.

Friday night Lauren wanted to go out to Cheesie’s. We haven’t been since like Halloween. I missed our friends there. So I invited Eric and went with Lauren and Jacqueline. We just hung out and drank and I played Pokemon…(the new one that came out). Eric and I went out dancing afterward. Nothing great. I just danced by myself and Eric had this tiny little 20 year old make out with him. Guess I’m sort of over that jealous thing pertaining to him.

Saturday was super nice out. It like 52 and I was working on a final a majority of the day so I wanted to go out and celebrate. No one wanted to go so I went out alone. Just kind of drank and danced and did my own things. Gay bars are fun. Gay guys love dancing. They can dance from 10-5 and keep going. That’s all I like to do. I enjoy the attention every now and then but ultimately I just want to dance.

Tomorrow is my last class of this quarter but I’m officially done with this quarter. All papers are turned in. I don’t even have to show up tomorrow but I will. I want a job and I’m ready for this cold holiday season. Glad I’ll have Lauren to celebrate it with.

One Drink, Two Drink, Black Out

So I don’t talk to Jimmy anymore obviously, but I still do creep on occasion. It was just lovely to see his new profile picture is him and his girlfriend. 3 years and he never even fully admitted we were dating. Oh well. Go to hell ass hat.

I have been talking to this guy named, Alex, off of Tindr (don’t judge). We kept making plans to hang out but he would bail or I couldn’t go. Finally Thursday we made plans to meet at Scarlet. I get there and he introduces me to all of his friends. But he’s so social and knows a lot of people so I kind of got left at the wayside. I just did my own thing and danced. Then all of a sudden he comes over to me and just starts grinding on me. I was surprised but went with it. Then he tells me he wants to go back to his place so I can meet his dog…I’m not stupid. I told him no. His roommate thought we should stay as well. Then he grabs me and says we are leaving. I follow him outside and he’s wobbling. The bouncers say he can’t go back in because he’s too drunk. Don’t have an option now. So we go to his place. He starts making out with me. Clothes come off. Slutty naked things happen. We stayed up eating pizza and listening to music and then cuddled all night. Next morning…I felt awkward. So I just left. 30 degree and 1 hour train ride walk of shame. Not fun.

I went out last night…and I’m pretty sure I got roofied. This…unsavory guy bought me a drink. I finished it and danced with some girls. Then gone. I don’t remember anything. I came to at 5 PM today fully clothed in my bathtub. I don’t remember the rest of the night. I don’t remember heading home. Nothing. It’s kind of scary.

I’m at finals week for this quarter. I have all of my papers due next week. I intended to write one tonight but that’s not happening. I have to go speak to the dean of students about getting more money to pay what I owe so I can register for next quarter. Once I figure this stuff out my stress will go down immensely.

Distractions Can Be Good

So I hopped on Facebook one night while laying in bed and Facebook thought the first thing I should see is: “Jimmy is now in a relationship with (random girl).” I was furious. I noticed this girl posted on his wall for his birthday “Happy birthday, goober.” We were still dating on his birthday and goober is certainly not a friend nickname. Plus it was my cute name for him. I thought nothing of it because I trusted him. However, that means he was talking to her while we were still dating. That explains why he was feeling so meh towards the end. I was livid. I sent him a Facebook message cursing him out and saying I never want to see him again and I deleted everything; pictures, texts, messages, numbers, the works. Part of mine and Jimmy’s tumultuous relationship was that we always got back together. So even though we both entered the break up thinking it was permanent, seeing each other everyday or running into each other kind of prevented that from happening. Now that I’m not going to see him for at least 5 months I have a level of closure. So I feel good. There’s no chance of us getting back together. I know when I go to Florida, I’ll still wanna see him. Part of me will want to gloat about my life and how happy I am without him…and the other half will miss talking to his best friend. But there’s nothing I can do about it now so I won’t even worry about it.

So Friday night I went out with Lauren and Jacqueline. A nice chill night. I texted Eric on the way home because he told me he was going to a…kink party that night. I asked him about it and he said he felt uncomfortable talking about it.

Saturday he came over to my place and I cooked us dinner. We were hanging out and he brought it up. Apparently his…kink…is dressing up like kids…needless to say I instantly stopped flirting. So much so I turned on a video game. We ended up going out to Cheesie’s with Lauren and Jacqueline and then out dancing. Lauren and Jacqueline left. Eric left. I was alone and I kind of just broke down over the whole Jimmy thing. I wanted to cry. I started heading home and this girl told me I should join her at an after hour bar. I decided to go. Better to go dance more than go home and cry. When I walked in some cute guy approached me and said: “we need to be friends.” It was cute so I talked to him all night. He walked me halfway to my train. I still wanted to cry. I ran into one of my friends from Cheesie’s and followed him to another bar. Ended up meeting some straight guy there that kept buying me drinks. I ended up walking with him back to his place and then heading home. This was 5 AM. My extreme escapism lead me to pull an all nighter but at least I didn’t cry.

I decided not to be weird around Eric considering I ran into him one time on the train platform and we just casually waved and kept going. So I went out with him last night. We went to Cheesie’s then scarlet and then an after hours bar, Hydrate. I was getting a lot of guy attention but not from anyone I would actually talk to. So I just did my own thing and shooed guys away. It was fun but I feel like I’m just distracting myself. I know I am. Oh well.

Someone Try

So I was kind of mopey for a few days. (I’m still fighting it) I went out Friday night with Lauren and Jacqueline. It was a fun night. We started at Cheesie’s and went out dancing. We took the train and Lauren got off at Jacqueline’s stop and I continued home alone. I started crying. Alone on the train. I cried. I cried the entire walk home. I called Jimmy but he didn’t answer. I texted him. He never replied.

The next day Piggy and his girlfriend, Megan, came to visit. We went out to Cheesie’s and then I brought them to Scarlet. Megan didn’t like it so we went back to Cheesie’s and chilled. Made friends with strangers who just bought us drinks. It was nice. I texted Jimmy again. Nothing.

Sunday we just chilled at home. I had a big homework assignment to do so they explored the city alone.

Monday I decided to go out and have drinks with that guy, Eric, again. We headed to Cheesie’s together and sat down and started talking. Lauren and Jacqueline joined us. It was fun. While they were being a couple Eric and I just kind of talked and I flirted. He’s an older guy, 31, but he’s smart, funny, and nerdy. I really dug his company. I got drunk and really hit on him. He had to go home to go do some homework and Jacqueline had to go as well, so it was just Lauren and I. We got drunk. We ended up at Scarlet…I don’t know for how long. Then we ended up at a sushi bar that’s open till 4…we got home at 4. Crazy Monday nights.

Tonight, I wanted to see if Eric wanted to go out again. He got out of class earlier than me so he told me to meet him at this fancy restaurant. It was a nice cute date restaurant with good ass food. I ordered a drink…but I didn’t want to be drunk around him again so I took it slow. We had dinner for like 2 and a half hours just talking. (He paid for everything. Yay.) Lauren and Jacqueline were going to a video game bar so we decided to meet them. We ended up just hanging out and playing classic arcade games. I didn’t want to drink so I just played and hung out. It was a lot of fun. We talked about what we wanted from each other–we both just got out of serious relationships so we just want to hang out, but we are definitely going out on more dates. Though, I greatly enjoy his company. It’s nice to feel sweet, smart, funny, and cute again. I think our next date is supposed to be a movie night at his place so we shall see where that goes.

I feel bad because I still miss Jimmy. I think about him daily. If he called me right now I would tell him I loved him and want to be with him. But he won’t. He’s not going to come back to me. And I’m not going back to him. I do deserve to have someone try for me. Someone try. That’s all I want. Effort is sexy. If he wants to try again, he can. But he would need to prove it. Until then, I’m walking forward. Not looking back. I have great opportunities ahead of me and if he doesn’t want to walk it with me…someone else will.

Dreading/Preparing

Oh my. Where to start? So I was hanging out with my friends over Skype Tuesday night. Russell got home and told me he needs to talk to me. He told me that he found out Jimmy might’ve had sex with that girl who likes him, Kerri. I didn’t believe it but I knew I had to talk to Jimmy. I texted him saying we need to talk and he didn’t respond because he was asleep already. Russell and I discussed it all night making sure we both knew it was just hearsay but then I recalled that note that Kerri left in his bed: “Don’t Forget — Kerri”. Still I didn’t believe it. Jimmy would’ve told me something like this. He’s told me everything. The next evening we talked. I asked if it was true and he said yes. He told me that we broke up in December and that it happened in early January and then we got both together late January. I was hurt. First I asked why didn’t he tell me. His response was: “I didn’t think it would matter because I never want to look at her that way again.” Then what really got me upset got to me. Why her? Why not me? Jimmy and I have yet to have sex. I was fine with this because I know he has extreme apprehension with sex and I figured at least he wasn’t doing it with anyone else. I had whatever physical intimacy we shared to make me feel special. Now that was gone. Now there is nothing we share exclusively. I wanted to cry. It made me feel so unattractive and not special. Then he starts in with: “Maybe we should just break up. You don’t deserve to be feeling this way.” Somehow I ended up comforting him. Reassuring him that’s not what I wanted. Then I realized what just happened. In an instant where I needed to be comforted and reassured…he turned it on himself by victimizing himself. I pointed out how…for lack of a better word…fucked up that is. He realized and started apologizing again and telling me I really should break up with him. I then asked him what he wanted. He went back to his oh so lovely uncertainty. I then said fuck that. What about what I want? He asked what I wanted. I told him. I want the boyfriend title. Not for anything to change between us. Exclusively so girls/guys like Kerri can stop throwing themselves at him because they know he’s taken. He said he couldn’t do that. He said he doesn’t want to lose me in his life. And I am special to him. He’s just extremely scared of the commitment (even though we both agreed we are both committed right now…). I got frustrated. We started normally chit chatting. At the end I told him: I’m extremely hurt and feel unattractive and not special and it’s up to him to figure out how to fix that. He said okay and we hung up. 

Next day, I went out with Larry and Luis to Clearwater. We went to the beach to have a drink at a restaurant and walk the beach. They both had beers and I…didn’t…I had 2 strong drinks. I was…loose. Luis and I had fun just talking and people watching and I think Larry enjoyed our company. We walked along the beach as the sun set and I realized how much I’m going to miss Florida. Drinks on the ocean with the beautiful setting sun over the beach. It was picturesque. 

I had been upset about the whole Jimmy situation all weekend. I spoke to almost all of my friends about it. Most of them said the usual: Why are you even still with him? I’m beginning to wonder the same. Diego said one thing that really struck a cord: it’s like I have no self-respect. I was with Chris for about 2 and a half years as well. For a majority of that he was emotionally abusive. He ridiculed me for my past endeavors calling me a slut and such. Now with Jimmy it’s a different kind of emotional abuse. Negligence. He knew I was feeling like shit all weekend and he did nothing. No texts. No calls. Nothing. I realized something awful. It’s like his mom and dad. His dad once got mad at his mother and didn’t talk to her for a year…Jimmy checks out of the situation when he doesn’t want to deal with it. That leaves me crying in the corner alone with nobody to comfort me but my friends and my own distractions. I’ve always been too scared to push Jimmy away because I was scared he wouldn’t come back. That shouldn’t matter. If he doesn’t want to come back…I’ll be better for it. If he does want to fix things. Hell even better. But I’m tired of walking on egg shells while he does whatever he wants and then apologizes afterward. A little foresight goes a long way. I hope I can maintain my fortitude and stay hard. I tend to get flustered when we talk and forget everything I wanted to say. I just want to know: Does he even want to be with me or does he just want me in his life? If it’s the latter…I don’t want that. If he wants to be with me–he needs to figure out how to make me feel special again. We’re supposed to talk tonight and I’m dreading/preparing myself for it. Whatever the outcome, I still have my friends and I’m moving to Chicago soon. I’ll be fine.