Pro: Black, Queer, Trans, Women, Slut, POC, Religion.

So I usually start with boy stuff and we’ll get to that but for now we are gonna talk about serious stuff. I love living in this country. I am aware that had I been born in some other countries my life could not shine as brightly as it does. My disability doesn’t limit much. My sexuality and gender expression aren’t an issue often. That being said it does not mean I wish things were better. Women’s rights to abortion access, the potential of not being able to get married, gun violence, etc. these are all things that I think about often. I legit ended a date quickly cause the guy was no where near meeting me on those grounds. At the end of the day I am Pro black, pro queer, pro trans, pro women, pro Slut, pro religion (all religions), pro American. American means being different and embracing that. If you don’t support individuality—You had no right celebrating this 4th.

On to more trivial topics. Boys. So I had a date with that cute boring guy that lives in the burbs that I’ve seen out at sidetrack often. I hung out with Javell all day prior at the beach. Told him we are meeting at a bar near me. So javell, marlin, and Annika all decided they wanted to go too. I told them at least give me an hour alone with the guy. I regret that decision. The guy was so boring. I asked him every question. He answered everything and truthfully but it was like pulling teeth. I’m used to rambling and leading conversations but damn. He left early and thankfully my friends showed up and I enjoyed a night with them instead. I texted the guy the next day seeing if it was just first date jitters. Turns out he’s seeing someone. (Why would you agree to go on a date then?) So I just dropped that.

Next guy…This one is honestly funny af. So I was out at the local gay bar with marlin and javell and Annika (again…this is getting to be a problem…) and we were playing on the switch. This cute af guy (I’ve seen him on Grindr but he never responded to me) comes over and asks if we are playing smash. I tell him yes and he says we should 1v1. I’m down. I whooped him and his friend. They blamed it on the controller (granted we did have to use the tiny af controllers) so later he suggests we go back to my place to play. Now I only have the one controller too but Annika has the big ones. I wanted to get this guy home so I said okay (completely lying about having Annika’s controllers). So he comes and whispers in my ear asking if I’m ready to go to my place. I say sure. I turn around and all his friends are coming too…uh oh. So javell and marlin come to. So now there’s like 7 of us at my place and I lie saying Annika must’ve taken her controllers when she left. Marlin is dumb and isn’t getting it. “Nick, Annika never brought them.” So I gave him a look and he caught on finally. The guy (Ben) wants a shot. So we do shots. He then suggests we go to his friends place who does have a controller. Problem is it’s late and he lives like 3 miles away. But I’m a sucker for a hot nerd so I go. We played smash for like 2 hours. Finally at 5 AM Ben is like we should go. We walk downstairs together and start heading to his place. He says, “man all that intense gaming got me horny. I’m ready to get my dick some action.” Then starts like making joke noises in my ear. And my response…: “man. Not me I’m tired af. I’m ready for bed.” We get to the end of the block and he’s like oh okay. Well I’m this way. So I head the other direction and then realize what I just did. So in other words I’m a fucking idiot. I got his number and texted him the next day a bit but haven’t heard from him since. Whoops.

So pride parade weekend was 2 weeks ago. I went out after the parade ti meet Vani, Marlin, and Alfredo. We all hung out and had fun. Annika joined us with her high school friends. Afterward everyone left and Vani and I started walking home. She decided not to do the long line at Charlie’s and I kind of just skipped it. I got in there for a bit. Some guy bought me a drink and 30 minutes later I’m blacked out and throwing up on the corner near a Starbucks. Some guy comes up to me and asks if I’m okay. I realize what’s going on and try to say yes but can’t talk. I try to move my arm to drive my wheelchair home. Can’t do that either. I’m like 80% sure I got roofied at Charlie’s. I ended up in the hospital. They kicked me out first thing in the morning. I went home and was sick (headache and upset stomach) until like 6 at night. Yay for getting drugged on pride weekend.

Next weekend was July 4th weekend. Mike and Marlin are currently house sitting for one of Mike’s best friends. So Mike suggested they host a bbq. I seasoned all the food and Mike grilled it all. We were all hanging out. It was fun. I had one drink and our friend Jodie shows up. She looks high af. Like an hour later I ask if I can get a hit of her own. I took a long ass hit. I went to go rejoin Dustin and our friend Noble. They’re all talking and I just started getting aggressively high. I realized I was checking out of the conversation and just started cracking up. I had to go to a more chill spot. I went to go lay down in Tonio’s lap. Sadly they made us all go sit in another spot. Thankfully Annika showed up. I just kind of sat next to her and rested my head on her. Everyone was talking. The sky was fading and kept looking like a picture. I was gone. Annika suggested I go lay down somewhere by myself. So I did. I was still outside so I could hear everyone talking. When I get that high I always have an existential crisis. So I was back there contemplating what’s real. Am I god? How does the universe work? I eventually decided to just turn off my brain and take a nap. I passed out for like 2 hours. When I woke up I was finally normal level high. I rejoined the party but everyone was leaving. Whoops. They all went out but I decided to walk home. I put on my pop/punk playlist and walked home then watched an episode of Pokémon and passed out.

July 4th Brian and I decided (well I did for both of us) to go to the south side to our friend Katy’s pool party. Seeing as she’s Josie’s best friend we dragged her along too. It was honestly super fun. We got hardcore rained on but there was no lightning so we stayed in the pool. Brian had an edible so Jo and I split one and he did the other. I honestly love being in water. I can’t swim so it’s probably how I’ll die but that’s fine. Brian drove us (well I’m sure his Tesla did most of the driving) back home. I realized how high I was in the backseat. Just vibing. I need to stop doing weed in social settings. It is not the social drug for me.

This summer has been great so far but I wanna spend more time outside. Even if it’s alone. I love just sitting at the lake feet in the water listening to Taylor Swift. Hot Girl Summer needs to be in full swing. No boys. No drama. Just fun time outside with my friends.

7 Deadly Sins: Pride, Lust, Sloth, and Wrath For Me

It’s pride month ya’ll you know what that means?! Even more drunken debauchery but under the guise we are doing it cause it’s what the older gays would’ve wanted. So let’s jump into it. First boys.

So I had 2 dates set up with 2 different guys. One is this cute nerdy Asian guy. Laughed at all my jokes, Loves Pokémon, etc. but he’s flaked on me before. Shocker day of. He flaked. The bigger issue he didn’t tell me til the day after. So I told him yeah I’m not going to be following up with that anymore. So if he wants to hang that’s on him.

Next guy is from the burbs and just moved to the city. Cute white guy but haven’t gotten much personality out of him yet. We were supposed to hang last Friday but he apparently scheduled dinner with his mom’s friend too and said he would hmu after. He didn’t. I messaged him at like 10 and he apologized. The issue? I saw him Thursday out at Sidetrack (we’ll get to the party stuff later). I was walking up a ramp to the bathroom. Saw him and said hi but he didn’t hear me. On the way down I saw him again said hi again once again didn’t hear me. But then he saw me and said hi but sassy Nick was like “oh hi.” And rolled my eyes. Whoops. So anyways. He rescheduled for today but then made it seem like he can’t hang long. So we’ll see. We are meeting at a bar right near me so I don’t have to put in much effort at least.

So Chicago is a gay af city. Like we have like 3-4 gayborhoods and downtown has rainbow flags all over and lights up downtown in pride colors. So because of this we have big gay festivals all month. The first one is called Midsommar fest. Marlin wanted to go Saturday so I met him at it. He was out with Mike’s friends. After hanging with them all last week I’m pretty cool with them. So we vibed most of the day. Drinking in public in the sun is my favorite activity. We went back to Marlin’s afterward and hung out on his patio then we all ended up out. I honestly don’t remember where. (I’m doing this in 2 weeks breaks but I honestly keep forgetting what happened two weeks ago…).

So this week was two of our friend’s birthday. Alfredo and Vanessa. So Thursday (when I ran into the white guy) we went out for Alfredo’s birthday. We had a cute fun night of drinking and bar hopping. We all kind of agreed at the same time it was bed time. Except for Vani. She was trying to convince us to stay out but we told her no.

Also had my first official beach day. Marlin, Jo, Annika and I went to the beach. It was so nice. The water felt great. It was hot af out. A few other friends met up with us and I ended up getting drunk af. Monaco’s really do me in. Unfortunately there’s still sand in my wheelchair.

Saturday was second big gay festival of the season: pride fest. Live music, food, booze. It’s great. Marlin was out of town so I had no one to go with. I texted Mike’s friends. They said they were going so I go try and meet them. I’m calling and texting. No answer. I walk around the fest. Find people I know but not who I was looking for. Finally I find one of Mike’s friends and tell him I’m looking for Mikey. He calls him but he drunkenly hangs up. We check his location and he’s at sidetrack. So we head over. Can’t find him. I text him I’m pissed at him cause I came out to hang out with him and he is ignoring me. Literally 5 minutes later he shows up behind me apologizing. Looking rough. I let it go. We all hang out. They went home early since they were all so drunk. Thankfully Dustin, Josie, and her bf showed up. So we hung out. They went home early and I ended up hanging out with her boyfriend’s friends. Two young gay boys still dealing with internalized homophobia. Kind of felt bad for them. Dustin and I popped into hydrate for a bit. Hung out. Then Alfredo texted us he was at another bar but they were 10$ cover so we said no. We ended up walking home but somehow kept talking to random people and a 20 minute walk took us like 1 1/2 hours. Whoops. Somehow I wasn’t hungover Sunday? So round 2?

This time I had my friend group that wanted to go out. I met Annika early. She was going through some stuff so I did whatever she wanted. We ended up at hydrate. Lots of drinks. We went to meet Vani in the fest. It was so late though so we missed most of the shows. We headed to sidetrack. Hung out a bit. Apparently it was Britney night at roscoes so we headed over. Vani and them left thus leaving me to my own devices. Never good. I was drunk af by this point. I ended up making out with a kind-of-friend’s kind-of-boyfriend. Whoops. I stayed until they closed 2…then ended up at Charlie’s. Stayed there until like 3. I got home at 4. Like I said. This is some semblance of what those who rioted at Stonewall wanted. Let me relish in the 7 deadly sins I embody. So happy pride month. Let’s roll into lust month next.

Getting Too Old For These Same Dumb Mistakes

Ugh. Where to begin. So I had enough of my guy funk so I’ve been trying to put myself out there more. I’m talking to like 2 guys who seem to have potential but we’ll see. I honestly don’t have high regard when it comes to dating. I’m very jaded from my past experiences. Speaking of past experiences and Nick not learning much and continuing to put himself in stupid positions that just hurt him: Sunday at Marlin’s party (we’ll get to party stuff later) I saw Geetho posted an Instagram story of him and his sister doing tourist stuff. I messaged him some suggestions and we got to chit chatting. I asked if he would be up for hanging out. He said that could be complicated. So I made a joke and he agreed but then prefaced it by saying he’s seeing someone. So that stung. Bad. We talked for like 5 months and he said he wasn’t trying to date and wanted friends. After we’ve already done stuff. Cool. But now he’s seeing someone. I was hesitant about fully blocking him from my social media. I don’t know why. I pretty much do that to all guys I try to get over but I did it this time. I blocked all his stuff from appearing on my social media. We are still social media “friends” but I won’t have to spiral every time he randomly posts something now. And don’t worry. I won’t meet up with him.

So I’m gonna get kind of emotional. Prepare for that. I usually am not. I try to present as a happy go lucky person. I was talking with Josie a while ago and we often joke about depression and such. We discussed suicide. I told her I would honestly do it if I had a guarantee I would be reincarnated as someone else. Do not get me wrong. I love being alive. If I had to pick complete nothingness over my difficult life—I’m gonna pick my difficult life. But if I could leave this broken meat suit behind for a different meat suit. I would do it in a heartbeat. One of my darker thoughts is wishing my twin was the one born with my diseases instead of me and thinking how different my life would be. I’m sure my personality would be drastically different but I sometimes think that would be worth it. Again don’t go calling my mother—I’m not suicidal. Just often like to think of how different my life could be. I think I just need a reset. I’m very much an escapist. Maybe it’s time to escape Chicago and go somewhere else. Monotony is one of my biggest fears. I think I need to shake things up.

Okay. Yikes. That was a lot. On to more frivolous topics like getting drunk and making harmless dumb choices. So back in college I stayed in the dorms. My room was the party room. Across the hall were some girls. Christine and Dani. We hit it off and became great friends. Dani phased out and moved out and new girls moved in. One of them was Laura. Well, 11 years later I’m still friends with Christine and Laura (and a few other girls) and we talk in a group chat daily. Laura wanted to come visit for a Taylor Swift night which is usually the last Sunday of the month. She bought a ticket for Memorial Day weekend—unfortunately for her the bar that does Taylor night was moving it back. The owners were going to Paris the normal weekend. So she came Memorial Day weekend but Taylor did not. But we had fun anywho. We did tourist stuff all day Saturday. Boat tours, drinks on 95th floor bars, flicked the bean (except we couldn’t get to it cause for some reason there was a line into the park?), etc. Then I dragged her to typical boystown shit. Drinks at every bar. Mingling with my friends. I think she enjoyed it. The last day she was there we went to go sit at the lake and listen to music and talk. We were for maybe 2 1/2 hours—we both got burnt and I’m still peeling. The 21 year old Puerto Rican Floridian in me is ashamed. I didn’t roast properly. Didn’t turn enough. Amateur mistake. After Laura left I met up with Marlin in boystown. He left shortly and I stayed with Izzy and Mikey and their friends. Annika met up with us. We ran into javell. Hung out a bit. But I went home before the sun went down.

The next weekend was…intense. So it was Marlin’s birthday and one of Mike’s good friend’s (Mikey’s) birthday. Friday Mike and a bunch of us surprise Marlin for dinner. I know he appreciated walking into a restaurant and seeing all his best friends. Then in typical Marlin fashion he dragged us out bar hopping. I’m gonna say this now (it’ll have context later) Marlin is an awful wing man. Like awful. I’ve got into many arguments with him over it. I don’t think he fully grasps it. One. He’s attractive. Two. He’s just as funny and outgoing as I am. Three. He likes being the center of attention. So why is this guy I’m trying to hit on going to talk to me when they can talk to a guy just as fun as me who is hotter? And the the other person who is a problem with this is Izzy. Izzy has some weird competitive thing with me. Like really. I’m the youngest of 4 boys. I am not. That was my brothers’ jobs and I avoided it. Izzy will literally see me talking to a cute guy and literally just interject his face into our conversation. Honestly I don’t find Izzy to be competition for men with character so it doesn’t bother me as much.

Anyways. Back to story. So bar hopping lead us to progress. I see this cute guy and he’s with a friend. So I approach them both. Talking to them both (always make the uglier one feel included or they will make sure you strike out) and flirting. Here comes Izzy. He just jumps into the conversation. I’m not drunk and the guys were kind of boring. So I just bow out. That night I ended up at Charlie’s until like 3 am with Alfredo. Next morning was Mikey’s housewarming/birthday party. The invite said 1. I asked Marlin what time him and Mike are showing up. He said 1. So I show up at 1:30. Marlin isn’t even getting ready yet. So I had to hang out with people I don’t know. Sober me is not social and can honestly be mistaken for a bitch. Mikey’s friends were all super friendly so I tried my best. Marlin finally shows and we hang out. Then these guys show up that I met when Laura was in town and they walked in with this young cute guy. I told Mike and Marlin that kid is the only cute guy here. So Mike took that as an opportunity to start wing manning for me. (He’s good at it). Kid seemed interesting so I start chatting with him. Izzy sees and comes over and interjects himself. I just let him be. We get to chatting later. Turns out the kid speaks fluent German. So I tell Marlin. Now him and the kid are speaking in German for like 20 minutes and I’m just sitting there like uh…Marlin finally gets the hint and says let’s switch back to English and then Izzy walks up and Marlin passes the conversation to him. I was just like. Okay. Never mind. Marlin left a while later. I stayed hanging out with Mikey’s friends. They said they were gonna go out. I was down. I asked what time. They said 10. I was like wtf. No. I was there for 8 hours. I barely even like hanging out with my own friends that long. Plus I was still tired from last night. Plus I had Marlin’s birthday the next day. Nope. I left at 9:30. Went home. Heated up some food and watched an episode of the boys and passed out.

Sunday was Marlin’s birthday. I was exhausted from this weekend. I told them I’m not coming over until I have to. I stayed in bed until noon. Speaking of Izzy’s competitiveness with me. He swears he’s better at me in Smash Bros. I told him let’s play at Marlin’s party and see for ourselves. I whooped his ass. But he wouldn’t concede. He made me do so many battles with him. I don’t talk shit unless I know I can back it up. My video game skills are next level. I can play most games well. And if I had practice at the game. Yeah. Don’t try me. Anyways. The party was fun. Nice chill day of drinking. A few of us stayed late and sat on the patio talking. We all kind of agreed at the same time it was time for bed. Like I said it was a long weekend. I am too old for that shit.

I think my meh thoughts have been from lack of going out. Like during the day. But the weather has been kind of meh still. I’m ready for 80+ degrees so I can go walk/sit by the lake and listen to music. It’s fucking June. Stop playing with me Mother Nature or I’m gonna single handedly help global warming. Bitch.

Taylor Said Be Wary of Your Reputation

Well, I have a tendency of talking about boys first. So let’s do that. I had dinner with my friend Maria. She offered to cook and provide booze. Who am I turn down a meal. As she so often does first thing she asked me: “any new boys?” I kind of have been avoiding guys ever since Geetho. Like I hook up but honestly not liking someone puts my headspace in a much better place. But whatever we ate homemade pizza and I got drunk on Italian booze (her boyfriend is straight up Italian). So after I left her place I got on Grindr to see what hotties are downtown. I started chatting with this cute nerd. He loves Pokémon, speaks Japanese, and seemed interesting. We decided to meet up for a date. He came to my part of town since I live near an Asian part of town and we got banh mi and smoothies. I was planning to grab these and go sit by the lake but we had a cold front and rain so Mother Nature sent us back to my place. We ended up hanging out for like 8 hours…he tried spending the night but honestly I was apprehensive about it. Firstly, he looks exactly like my first boyfriend. Like eerily similar. We were making out and I opened my eyes and I kept seeing his face at first. Freaked me out. Secondly, he wasn’t very talkative. I know how did we hang out for 8 hours and he didn’t talk much? Cause bitch I can talk. I dominated the conversation. Don’t get me wrong I asked him lots of questions and he answered them all honestly but other than that he started none of the conversations. Thirdly, he wasn’t very assertive. I like being in charge but I also want someone else to take charge. I will give you two options. Pick one of those options. Honestly in most cases both options are good to me but I don’t want to pick. Mostly cause I’m trying to be considerate to the other person. So yeah. I’m down to hang out again and see if maybe it was just nervousness but honestly I almost always know right away if I’m going to like someone. So the fact I’m still unsure kind of says a lot. Also I have barely heard from him since. I just need to stick to just sex cause dating is just awful.

Embarrassing mortifying experience: so I bleach my hair usually every summer. Either stay blonde or put colors in it. Anyways, Josie came over to help me do it. We cut my hair then put the bleach in. In order to go from black to blonde requires two applications. So Josie put the first round in then left to go hang out with her boyfriend. I let it sit for like an hour then went to rinse it out and put the second application in. Since I had to get in the shower again within another hour I just sat in my living room naked watching Netflix. I should mention Mike and Marlin were celebrating a friend’s bachelor party all weekend. So one of Mike’s friends was in town visiting. He texted me that morning asking for my address but I didn’t see him all day. So back to present: I’m sitting in my living room. Buck ass naked. Bleached hair. Spread eagle. Said friend shows up and looks into my window and starts screaming. I start screaming. He’s like “why are you naked?!” I’m like “why are you at my window?!” I live on the ground floor but no one could see me unless they walked into my front yard and looked through my window. Like he choose to do. He says this image will be forever cursed in his head. Whoops. Text first next time.

So there’s this guy I met one night a few weeks ago. He comes up to me (he’s hot af) and he starts telling me I’m rude and he doesn’t like me. Honestly this a very common occurrence to me so it doesn’t even bother me anymore. Usually it’s some dude who is mad I accidentally drunkenly stepped on him. So whatever. He’s rambling away. I’m drunk af so I’m like “okay. Whatever hot daddy.” We apparently talked for like an hour. I don’t remember it. Anyways I ran into him at roscoes again and I was more sober this time (he’s still hot af). He comes up and asks if I remember him. I say no. He gets mad then reminds me of our conversation. I try to explain that I’m a lot more memorable. And I don’t mean that in a condescending way but like dude. I’m like the only gay dude in boystown in a wheelchair. Of course it’s easy for you to remember talking to me. You’re just some hot white dude with a big ass. Those exists all over. He’s not liking that and got mad. He says I better remember him next time. Unfortunately due to his very annoying behavior. I did remember him next time and dude had the audacity to barely say anything to me. How dare I go out of my way to add your name and face to my memory reserves. Alcohol is taking its toll on that function of my brain. And you’re not even gonna appreciate it. Pfft.

So I mentioned I’m in the gay league of legends group here in Chicago. It’s a lot of fun and I’ve met some cool people. I was getting along with this guy a lot. We ended up being in teams 2 weeks in a row and fought against each other the week before that and just joked around the entire time. He apparently had my number cause we met one time at sidetrack (I was black out drunk and honestly don’t remember anything about him). So he texts me and then adds me on Instagram. I look at his photo and I’m like wait I know this guy. But why. So I’m staring at his photo. It all came rushing back. Back during the protests in Chicago boystown had its own protests about making the community less racist and more inclusive. It honestly helped somewhat and was super cute. Anyways, there was this guy who held anti protests and was spewing all this racist and transphobic shit. This was him. The league player. I wasn’t sure at first but I creeped his Instagram more and he’s BFF’s with a guy who started a gay quarantine Facebook group that got shut down cause everyone was accusing the leader of being racist. So two racists hanging out. Yeah. So now I’m like shit. He’s in the gay league so I can’t be rude to him. But also I kind of want to tell the leaders about him but he hasn’t done anything in the league yet. Maybe he’s turned over a new leaf? Or maybe he’s just gotten better at hiding his horrible personality? Either way his reputation is horrible and I can’t associate myself with someone like that. So I have to make sure I stay far away from him now.

One of my friends, Jaime Adrian (stream his music on Spotify), is a singer—He’s a pretty big deal in EU—and filmed his next music video. He invited Marlin and I to be in it. So now is my moment to shine. I’m going to be a star. It was fun. Open bar tab which you know Marlin and I appreciated it. I was front and center for most shots. It was supposed to be centered on someone singing karaoke and us all cheering. Problem was the music at the bar was pop/punk. So none of us could get the right vibe. Thankfully we took over the DJ and put gay bops on and we all got into sync. Jaime says the video should come out in July. In the mean time stream his other music (Feed My Ego is my favorite).

Honestly drinking wise: same old same old. Nothing special. Chill nights at local bars. Blacked out nights at hydrate. Drunkenly singing Taylor Swift at scarlet. Hornily approaching random men and saying hi and adding them on Instagram. Low key we had a cold front and it’s crushed my hoe party spirit for a bit. Mother Nature needs to stop playing with me cause I’m ready to put on tank tops and booty shorts, Miss Thang.

I Think It Might Be Time for Therapy

So on the boy front honestly nothing. I’ve had my fair share of hook ups lately. One was a guy I used to hook up with often but he moved away and just moved back like 5 blocks from me. So that’s convenient. Love a good reliable lay. But yeah. Haven’t really made an effort to put by myself out there to talk to any guys. Weirdly Jimmy (my college boyfriend) has fluttered through my head quite a bit lately. Like straight up he was in a few of my dreams. Was bizarre. I have an issue with not being missed. Like I honestly don’t think I miss any of my exes or guys I’ve talked to—but I also can’t fathom the idea they don’t miss me. I’m very self-involved. This goes for all types of relationships. I am very much in the present type of person. So once you’re not in my orbit I kind of stop caring about you…I know that sounds bad. Like I don’t wish badly on anyone—I just don’t wish anything about you. But I still randomly think of you and memories we shared. So I just get thrown off at the idea that people don’t think about me. I should see a therapist.

So to more trivial but funny stuff. One of the bars Roscoes had an open bar for their anniversary two Thursdays ago. Marlin, Mike, Dustin, and a couple other friends went (Josie met us there with a group of her own friends). I say a couple other friends cause honestly I don’t remember who went. I legit blacked out at roscoes. I remember talking to Marlin and Jo towards the front of the bar then nothing. Thankfully drunk Nick knew to send myself home. So I left at like midnight. That’s where my fortune ends. I apparently left my keys at home so I was locked out of my apartment. I texted and spam called my roommate. No answer. I low key got annoyed and kind of pissed him off with my texts. Whoops. I called and texted Marlin and Jo to let me in so I can sleep at their place but they didn’t answer. Thankfully at some point someone arrived and let me into the building. Sadly our apartment door was still locked. So I slept in my lobby…yup. Just sprawled out in my wheelchair passed out in front of my front door. 2 people going to work in the morning saw me. Stay classy Nick. My landlord ended up coming to let me in cause my roommate wasn’t coming home anytime soon. Needless to say after that I kind of behaved Friday and Saturday…but I can’t last longer than that.

Sunday Marlin was tired but I was kind of ready to do something. He told me he had brunch plans and would let me know if something is happening afterward. It was. I throw some clothes on and go to meet him. We ended up at a mini circuit party…now for those of you that don’t know a circuit party is pretty much what you picture when you picture a stereotypical gay party—house music, half naked men, fog machines, lots of lights, drugs, sex, etc. but this was Sunday at 4 PM…don’t get me wrong I love partying but circuit parties are built different and I’m not built for that. I just wanna get drunk, dance, and shit talk other people. So thankfully Mike’s friend didn’t wanna be there either so me and him kind of steered everyone to the next bar. We hung out at Roscoes for a while but Mike and Marlin left. Leaving me with two of Mike’s friends. Izzy was drunk and slutty already. He took his shirt off and disappeared into the dance floor. Never saw him again. Mikey and I were just hanging out and having fun and meeting random people we both know respectively. He decided after a bit he was gonna go home. I honestly should’ve done the same…but I didn’t. I ran into one of my league of legend people and started talking to him. (Basically Chicago has a gay sports league they play volleyball and kickball and such. Well they just started an esports league. So I joined that and play league with them.) as I’m talking to him my friend Billy shows up with his cousin who I absolutely adore. She’s sweet and fun af. However, Billy and I have the same issue I mentioned I had with Felipe. We talked about it that night and he apologized and I did too for being crazy. So we ended up hanging out way late. I think I sent myself home at like 1.

So as an alcoholic we love our national drinking days: Halloween, Thanksgiving, St. Patrick’s Day, 4th of July, and of course Cinco De Mayo. Don’t worry I know cinco isn’t an actual Mexican holiday (except for like one random Mexican city that beat the French in some battle or something) but as a drunk American it is an excuse to be day drunk so I run with it. Marlin was hyped for it all week so we were gonna go out that day. We started out at sidetrack. It was marlin, Vani, and two of her friends. They met this group of guys and we all kind of joined groups. One of the guys was cute but young af. Anyways at sidetrack the drag queen gets on stage and asks for some Gen Zers to come up and play a game with her. She grabs some and the young guy in our group goes “they’re not gen Z. I’m 22. They’re older than me.” The drag queen asked them their ages. They were 23. I wanted to die. Just a skeleton husk of a human. Anyways. We went to progress next cause our friend was DJing the event. They had a live mariachi band too at one point. Marlin kept saying all night he was gonna go home early cause he had a flight to catch. So left and left me with Vani and her friends. We decided to go to hydrate and I ran into my friend Brian. He is one of the go-go dancers there. We started hanging out. I think Vani went home? I don’t know it’s kind of a blur from there? Brian told me go to another bar with him so I did. We hung out at Charlie’s for a while and then all went home. I don’t remember much of Charlie’s nor my walk home but hey I had my keys this time.

So I know what you’re thinking. Nick I know you’re joking but you just might be an alcoholic. 1. I’m a social drinker. I never drink at home alone. I just happened to be very social. 2. I started doing as a resolution one sober week a month. That was this weekend. So I did nothing bad this weekend. I had a chill movie night with Javell. We had a glass of wine but that doesn’t count. Then yesterday I went to a new local gay bar called 2Bears (it’s legit like 3 blocks from me) with marlin and Annika. We played Mario Party and darts and vibed to music. I did drink. Whoops. But as the bartender assured me. It’s Monday somewhere. So let’s say you lasted the whole weekend. Thanks bartender. On Japan time I lasted a whole weekend. I really should consider seeing a therapist…

Thanks For Being a Part of My Journey

The weather in Chicago is finally getting into the 60-70s and all the gays (myself included) are starting to act up. Honestly if what I experienced the past 2 weeks are a sample of what’s to come—I should just devote myself to Christ now cause if not…well…my life motto is do it for the story. So I guess I’ll have tons of stories.

Speaking of so as I said in my last post that guy Nick was moving away and was having a going away party. He invited me. I kind of didn’t want to go because I wasn’t sure I could handle hanging with him for an entire day but my crazy self said “do it for the story”. So I went. I show up and I’m nice and cordial with Nick but honestly at this point I’m mostly avoiding him and just hanging out with Marlin and Mike. Plus Nick’s friends were super friendly which I was way too sober for. Also I wanted to remain soberish so that my crazy self doesn’t slip through and I do something dumb. We are hanging out at sidetrack for a while. Nick buys me a drink then keeps yelling at me that I’m drinking too slowly. I invited a friend who I haven’t seen in forever. His name is Felipe. (This is a huge pet peeve of mine). He started dating someone and just vanished. They dated for like 4 years and in that time I saw him maybe two times. The thing that annoyed me most was his boyfriend lived like two blocks from me. I’ve told him he could come over for pregames then still go home to his boyfriend. Nope. Never did. So I just stopped trying. But now he’s single and expecting me to be his guide back to nightlife which is kind of annoying but whatever. So I invited him to Nick’s going away thing and he showed up. So I’m talking to Felipe and I hear Nick mention to his best friend about one of the guys here was a guy he was talking to or something to the effect. Crazy me started slipping through. We were at sidetrack for like 5 hours and I had 3 drinks. So I was sober still thankfully. Nick mentions it being dinner time and says they’re all going to a restaurant nearby and asks if I’m going. Now I should mention at this point my wheelchair was acting up. It got repaired like a month ago but for some reason the battery wasn’t working and that day it wasn’t even charging and was saying it was dying. So I had crazy me poking his head out plus the stress over my wheelchair acting up. I thought it best I just go home so I don’t ruin Nick’s day. I told him I’m probably just gonna head home and told him why. He understood. They all went to dinner but I was finishing my drink with Annika (Marlin’s little sister). I explain to her what’s going on and she tells me just go. Worse case it dies and we still get you home. She was right. That was the worse case. Plus crazy me wasn’t ready for the night to end. So off I went to the restaurant Nick and everyone is at. I show up and Nick has like 3 tables. But all very separated. So he puts me in the back with his brother, marlin, mike, and Felipe. I straight up tell Marlin I wanna go sit at one of the other tables so he brings me over to Nick’s table which had one free seat. At this table was Nick, his best friend, and the guy I eavesdropped Nick having something with. Whatever. I’m just drinking. The convo is fine but then Nick mentions it’s time for the next bar—Atmosphere. Which is a bit north from where we are. I tell him more about the wheelchair acting up and tell him I’m not sure I should go that far. Maybe on the bus. He then offers to get us a handicap Uber and we go together. Problem is those take like 30 minutes. He says that’s fine so I agree. So everyone leaves and heads to atmosphere except me, Nick, and the guy he was “talking” to. Yay third wheeling with a guy you had a severe crush on. Nick buys us another round of drinks since we’ll be waiting a bit. Then about 20 minutes later they both step outside and leave me alone in the restaurant. Goodie. I just finish my drink and ponder why I make such stupid Fucking decisions. Nick comes back in a bit later to get me cause the Uber is here. The guy left. I’m guessing Nick walked him out to say good bye. So Nick and I get in the Uber and head to atmosphere together. We get there and everyone is still partying. Nick orders me another drink and then I go pee. Someone comes in and starts talking to me as I’m peeing and I’m being kind of curt. Then the voice goes, “Nick…it’s me. Nick…”. Oh. Whoops. We laugh it off and go join everyone. I’m hanging out with my friends and mostly avoiding Nick. They’re talking about the next bar so I’m mentally preparing for that when Nick comes up to me and hugs me and starts talking. “You are such an amazing person. You deserve everything you want in this world.” Yadda. Yadda. I’m just staring at him. Blank face. He finishes talking. Hugs me then rejoined his friends. I’m still standing there processing when I just put my drink down and leave. I walk home. I know there was no coming back for crazy me from me that and I didn’t wanna ruin the night. So it’s best I just go home. I texted him on my way home apologizing for leaving without saying bye but I say I wasn’t really prepared for all that. Hours later he texts me back saying: I have no reason to apologize and he meant everything he said. He loves me and that he’s so happy I was part of his Chicago journey. I read that and just put my phone down and went to sleep. Next morning he texted me asking how I’m feeling. I was fine and ask if he’s hungover. He was. He then apologized if he upset me last night. I told him no he didn’t I was just very caught off guard. That was it. Last things we said together. Marlin said it was a very positive good bye. I guess he’s right. Oh the problem? At sidetrack Nick mentions me that his job offered him more money to stay and that basically he’ll still be back like once a month…so I’ll probably still see him just as often as I did before. Goodie.

Positive note. The wheelchair guy and looked at my wheelchair. Apparently when they fixed it last month the new guy that came with him didn’t put the battery on right. So he fixed it and now my chair is back to supporting my hoe ways. Yay.

Speaking of hoe ways. So this last weekend the weather was not playing. It was 75 degrees on Saturday. I didn’t go out Friday so I was ready for a turn up. I text every single person in my phone. Somehow everyone is busy. Wtf is the point of having this many friends? So I’m sitting at home. Bored and with FOMO for all the gays I know are out acting up. Fuck it. Yolo. I know people. I’m going out by myself. I have sidetrack dollars I got from a lip sync a while ago. I throw on a cute outfit and let’s get this Saturday funday started. I’m all talk. I get there and my anxiety is through the roof. I keep feel like I’m being judged cause I’m alone. I know no one cares and most people in boystown know me and clearly know I’m hardly ever alone. But I’m feeling like a loser sitting on sidetrack patio in a corner drinking alone. I’m trying to find any friends I know. Anyone I can hang with just as a social buffer so I don’t look alone. Yeah I know I should probably see a therapist. Anyways. I find someone. He’s on paper kind of cool. Like he’s a photographer for big name magazines. But in person he’s annoying. Whatever. It’s somebody. I hang out with him and his friend. They buy me a drink. I go to pee and come back and they ask me if I know where his phone went. Nope. Apparently someone stole his phone. So I let him use my phone to call it and call his ex husband so they can try to track it. No luck. That killed their buzz so they leave. Back to being alone. By now I’m feeling a little more brazen so I just approach a group of random Twinks and say hi I need some friends. They welcome me in and I hang with them for a bit but they leave. So on to the next group. I join these two gay Guys and their fag hag. She’s super nice and fun. She buys me another drink. One of the guys is kind of cute so I start chit chatting with him. Then the other comes over and apparently he’s super nerdy. So we dive into an embarrassing nerd conversation. I find out they’re a “couple” kind of? They live together in a 1 br but only started hooking up recently? But also have been doing threesomes lately? I don’t judge. Live your life. The girl tells me they’re both into me. Oh? She leaves and now I realize I’m getting flirted with. Yay confidence boost. Yay gonna potentially get solicited for a threesome. Do it for the story. Right? Anyways. The nerd buys me another drink and then says he’s gonna go pee. They go together. So I’m on the patio. The sun is setting. I’m sitting here alone. I look around. I look at my drink. No. I knew. If I finish this drink—I’m going to hydrate and I’ll be there until 4 am. Mind you it’s already midnight and I’ve been here drinking (very strong drinks) for like 7 hours. I didn’t realize how drunk I was. Plus the next day was Annika’s birthday and she wanted to do stuff. So I knew I couldn’t be hungover. I set that drink down and just left. I ran into one of the friends I texted in line. He told me to come back in with him. I said not today Satan and kept walking. I walk past hydrate and one of the bouncers and managers asks where I’m going and why I’m not coming in. I told them. Nope. Too drunk. Sending myself home. Grabbed a taco and watched Pokémon and went to sleep. Yay I’m such a mature adult.

So Sunday in spite of me sending myself home fairly early. I’m exhausted. I’m not hungover. Just fucking tired. This guy on Grindr messages me to hook up. He lives like 2 blocks away. Hmm. I ask if his place is accessible for me. It’s not but he says he doesn’t mind carrying me upstairs. Fine. Maybe some sexy time will wake me up. The wonders of sex. It did. Marlin was out at brunch but he was saying he was gonna go home early to relax because apparently Annika wasn’t even off until 10 at night and wanted to do Britney night. So I was like no point in me going out now just for Marlin and Mike to go home and I’m left out alone by myself. That’s when I make bad decisions. But Marlin starts texting me how brunch is turning into a turn up. More people showing up. Fuck it. Let’s go. So it’s Marlin, Mike, and a few of his friends. We start at hydrate but it’s kind of dead. So we bounce over to roscoes. The gays are out in full glory. I had to go pee and someone I know goes in before me so I jokingly scream “‘his name’ Rapido.” Some dude washing his hands gives me a dirty look and goes in a catty voice “he just went in there.” I stare at him and say “thanks I can clearly see that. I know him.” He then tries switching his tone “oh. Okay. How goes your Sunday.” I just stare at him and he leaves. Not without one final dirty look. Mike’s friends wanna dance so we end up on the dance floor. It’s crowded. Marlin ordered pizza for him and Mike but Mike invites us all upstairs to hang out. We all head up but Marlin is saying this is quiet time and everyone needs to chill. Mike’s friend is complaining cause he wants turn up music. I suggest we watch Lemonade. Mike’s a big Beyoncé fan and I knew Marlin hadn’t seen it yet. So we put it on. We watch the entirety of it. Marlin fell asleep. Shocker. After it’s over it’s time to turn the party back up so we are hyped for Annika…so we start playing trivia…when did I become a 40 year old gay man? I slayed at trivia. Anyways. So now Annika is almost here so we head back down to roscoes to meet her. Marlin was so sure it would be less crowded and less crazy now. He was half right. It was less crowded but boy the people left were on some shit. I think half of them might’ve taken Molly or something. Annika shows up finally and she’s living her best life. She’s enjoying herself. I love Britney but 5 hours of Britney is too much for me. But Annika is loving it so I smile and dance to the bops. It’s nearly 2 meaning roscoes closes soon. Marlin and I suggest it’s bed time. Nope. Annika isn’t done partying. Dear god. The only decent after hours bar on Sunday is Queen (messy) and Charlie’s (messy). We go to Charlie’s. When we leave roscoes we hear a police cruiser blasting “disperse. No loitering.” Outside progress (I’ll get to this later). We wait a bit and watch then make our way to Charlie’s. One of my friends works there and buys me a drink. It is a big ass fucking cup and it is all mostly vodka. Literally Marlin and I both gagged taking a sip. We are hanging out but I’m tired. Marlin is tired. Annika is drunk. But she’s still not ready to go home no matter what we say. Marlin leaves and tells me I’m in charge of getting her in an Uber. Swell. I’m talking to my friend and Annika says she’s going to pee. Okay. 10 minutes and she’s still not back. Ugh. I fight through the crowd looking for her. She’s in a corner talking. I tell her. No. Come back to where we were. She follows me but now she wants another drink. Lord knows she doesn’t need another drink. But there’s no stopping her at this point. She grabs a beer and me a drink. I still have my cup of like straight vodka so I tell her I don’t need that. She says just give it to a guy I think is hot. Yeah. No. Can’t exactly make moves on anyone when I gotta watch her drunk ass. Finally I convince her it’s time to go home by telling her I’m fucking tired. I finally get her in the car and go home.

So about all the cops outside progress. Progress mostly plays rap and hip hop music. As such most of their clientele is black. They’ve had a lot of issues in the past. Manager saying racist stuff. Crimes (like straight stabbings) legit happening in the bar. So me marlin and Annika are watching and get into a discussion about it. Marlin mentions that Saturday apparently after progress let out a bunch of people were acting up. Like dancing on strangers cars. There were gun shots. Like wild shit. So I guess to fix that they send the cops out in full swing. But they sent like 8 cop cars plus a cop truck. And all their attention was focused on progress. It’s just an unfortunate situation. Cause the south side doesn’t have as many safe gay havens so a lot of people from the south side come to boystown. Problem is some of the problems follow them. And since the mayor cares about the north side we get that full on authoritative police preventative presence. I can’t really think of a solution cause if it was truly that bad Saturday I get the cops pulling up (maybe didn’t need 8 cruisers). But also making the south side safer for the queers that live down there would also alleviate the north side need for such a strong show of force.

So yeah. If this is how summer is going to go…lord Jesus pray for us all. It’s gonna be a messy girl summer and I’ll be contributing to it.

*Britney Spears Voice*: It’s been a while…

Alright. Alright. Alright. I know I haven’t written in a while and my friend Marlin essentially yelled at me to stop being a lazy piece of shit. So here we are. I think the big reasons I keep dropping the blog is 1. Seasonal depression. 2. I feel like I’m just telling other people’s stories. Feels like I’m Lady Whisledown (damn how many pop references can I fit in such a small amount of words 🤔) and just writing about other people. But hey: her writing got her noticed by the queen. So let’s slay girl.

So I always talk about boys. I’m notorious for it and in these what? 4 years? There’s been several of them. Honestly I’ve lived in Chicago and I think I’ve honestly liked maybe 3-4 guys? It takes a lot of for me to like someone. Now don’t get me wrong I get crushes or I’m a hoe and hook up with dudes but I know those aren’t substantial. I dated 2 guys a few years back. I was dating them at the same time (I’m such a flousey) but I knew I honestly didn’t like them enough for it to go anywhere. It was just for fun. So one moved away. Bye. (Though oddly he’s back now and we met up once but I never followed up after that). The other (bless his heart) just didn’t provide me enough reassurance. Like I get I barely like you but damn tell me you like me. So my harping for attention fix ended things. Oh well.

Now on to the guys I actually liked. One’s name is also Nick (I know gross). He’s a hot family driven lawyer. He does work for the special Olympics and lots of volunteer work. He’s funny and outgoing without being overbearing. On paper he was perfect. I met him through Marlin’s boyfriend (Mike—they’ve been dating for like 2 years now). We were at a bbq at Mike’s place. Mike sat me next to Nick and we started chatting and I was smitten. So I got his number. We talked a while. Then went out for dinner a few times. He told me he wasn’t looking for a relationship so I was like okay well I’m not trying to get married tomorrow so let’s just keep hanging out. Well, we met around summer but talked into the holidays. November is one of my best friend Josie’s birthday. So we were throwing a party for her. I invited Nick. He said he had Friendsgiving that day but would try to come afterward. Cool beans. I text him while we are setting up the party asking if he’s gonna be able to make it. No response. I text him later in the night as I’m getting drunk asking if he’s coming. No response. There is one thing you’re gonna learn with my relations (honestly to anyone) I hate being ignored. It sends me spiraling. So I got mad. I posted on Facebook (cause I’m a dramatic bitch) “I need a new guy to like cause the guy I like is trash.” Nick and I continued talking. Even had dinner again. Then one day while he was at work (legit like 2 months later) he goes “so hey was that status about me?” There are many bad traits about me but one of them is not lying. I don’t see a point in lying. So I told him “yeah. Drunk Nick can be a bit dramatic.” He pretty much said “have a good day” and didn’t respond to me. After that he pretty much kept up the rhetoric that he didn’t want to make time for someone who thinks he’s trash. So we fizzled out. I still see him at some parties since he’s one of Mike’s best friends and I’m cordial to him but I try to avoid him. It’s when I run into him randomly that I get flustered. If I’m mentally prepared to see him. It’s whatever. I know avoid him. But randomly I’m not prepared. I’ll be seeing him tomorrow for his going away party. So that should be mentally taxing. Yay.

Guy 2 is called Manny. Cute Hispanic Jewish guy. He’s a politician and was studying for the bar. He was smart, nerdy, funny, and very adventurous which I liked. So we met on Grindr. I was working downtown (we’ll get to my employment later) and I saw him on Grindr. We started chatting and the conversation was going great. He was at the library studying. He asked when I was off and asked if we should meet up after work. I told him I was gonna go home but he’s more than welcome to join me and we can just hang out and chat. He agreed. So he came over. When I know I like someone I try not to push things sexually. So there was playful touching but nothing serious and we hung out at my place for like 5 hours on my couch just talking. He studied at the library right near my job at least once a week. So every time we would start chatting again and then he would come over to my place after work. Each night same thing. Cuddled up and talking for like 5 hours. We did this like 4 weeks straight. Now I know what you’re thinking how can I like someone in only 4 weeks of us just talking? Listen in love is blind (yay another pop reference) they do it. So don’t hate me. Anyways our conversations were deep. Goals, family, adventures, etc. the last night we were cuddling on my couch watching Joe Biden speech (well he was watching that and I was half listening to his geeked out politician talk) and I was watching Futurama. Afterward he got a work email. Some senator from his old state wanted him to come back and work for her for this new position. He told her he would consider it and hung up. We then started researching what the job could be. He then started looking at apartments and he mentions well it’s not far away. I could still come see you often. So I was like okay that’s sweet. So I’m helping him look. It’s now been 5 hours. So he’s getting ready to go. He mentions one of his friends is coming into town on Sunday and wants to take her to hydrate. He goes I know you love hydrate (he’s not wrong) and asks if I wanna come and meet his friends. Damn. A good sign. Yeah. I’m in. I told him just keep me updated of the plan. As he’s leaving he tells me he’s gonna head to hang with his friend who lives nearby. Kind of suspect but I think nothing of it. I walk him halfway then head home. Friday I text him asking if we still on for Sunday. No response. Saturday I text. No response. Sunday I’m mad. I text him pissed off. No response. Ghosted. And I to this day have no idea why. I saw him once as I was leaving work and he just walked right past me. That stung. A month later he adds me on Snapchat then sends a snap of him in bed saying “I think I sucked some guy’s dick in the alley last night.” I just saw that and was like wtf. He added me just to add me to a list of recipients for that…like how fucking shitty do you have to be? I believe he still lives in Chicago. I have him on Instagram but I blocked all his posts. Haven’t seen him since.

Guy number 3 is named Geetho. He is most recent. He’s a cute, nerdy, short, Arabic guy. He’s in grad school for finance stuff. Moved here just this year. Has no friends and is always busy with school and work. But he lives like legit 2 blocks from me. We also met on Grindr. We start talking for a bit. I’m feeling it. We talk for like weeks over Grindr then I ask if he wants to come over. So we set it up and he comes over one day. Again I try to be good if I like the guy. So we just sit on my couch talking. For like 5 hours. He has to go home cause he works early. So he leaves. Next time he comes over I cook him dinner. I’m a bomb ass chef. Then afterward we are cuddled up and watching 30 rock cause it’s one of his favorite shows. We are talking and being touchy feely so I go for it and we start making out. Again I don’t wanna rush things so I stop it there. We hang out a while. He goes home again for work. Next time he comes over and he wants to show me his favorite video game so he brings his switch. We lay in my bed playing and making out. But he can’t stay late cause he has a presentation to put together. He leaves but leaves me his switch and tells me play the game. I don’t wanna play the game. It’s borderlands and I’m not a big fan of shooter games. But I accept it. He’s then getting busy cause it’s the end of quarter and we can’t really schedule a hang out. I ask him if I should be concerned we haven’t had sex yet. Mind you I wasn’t exactly pushing it that way but I don’t know my insecurities got the better of me. Then he starts saying that honestly he doesn’t know if he’s looking for a relationship. He just moved here doesn’t even have any friends besides me. I told him I get that. Go find friend. I also have friends he can meet. I’m also not trying to rush into a relationship. Marlin and Mike dated for like 6 months before they were official. That’s cool with me. But honestly I’m not looking for friends. I have tons of friends and if he truly doesn’t want this to go anywhere maybe we should just end it entirely. I’m a firm believer in the friend zone doesn’t exist. However, if expectations are set up fairly early and both parties don’t want the same thing. That’s okay. No one owes you a relationship but at the same time no one owes you friendships. So I tell him he should come over and get his switch and we should stop talking. We hang out talking. Neither one of us wants to stop talking but I think it’s for the best. I’ll just get hurt in the end. Overthinking things and such. He leaves. Thankfully I had to go to Florida for 3 weeks to go see my niece in a tournament. So out of sight. Out of mind. We don’t talk the entire time. I get back to Chicago and do a photo dump from Florida on Instagram and he instantly liked all of them. I text him how he’s been. We start chatting. We are gonna hang out again. This time though I suggested he meet me and my friends out at hydrate. We hung out a bit at my place prior. Then we go meet my friends. Everyone loves him. We are having fun. It’s going well. He has to leave early for school stuff so I offer to take him home (he’s bad at directions). We hug and he leaves. The next week he wants to hang but doesn’t have long again. I suggest you joins me for the pregame at Marlin’s place. It’s close by and he can meet more of my friends. We hang out at my place a bit then head over. He’s enjoying himself. We are cuddled up on the couch. Pregame is over. So I walk him home. We hug and I ask him so what’s going on. He says still he doesn’t really want a relationship right now. I told him I’m just trying to hang out and have fun. He says we should talk about this later. So I leave and go meet marlin out. We keep texting but now he’s getting busy with school. But he’s sending me kissy faces and sweet texts so I’m confused. I text him one asking what day he’s free next week if we can hang out. He said he’ll let me know. He should have one day free. I text him closer to the weekend about it. No response. But he was texting me earlier that day about anxiety to school and I sent him a sweet reassuring text. I text him the next day. No response. I told you I get crazy when I’m ignored. I see on Instagram he’s at dinner with some guy. He tags the guy but makes it SUPER small like only a crazy sleuth like me would see it. So he finally texts me later that night thanking me for the sweet text with another kissy face. And says he’s unsure if we can hang next week. So I’m annoyed and I’m like does it have to do with the date you went on? (Whoops. Like I said I’m dramatic lol). He tells me that wasn’t a date and it’s just a friend. I’m still annoyed and now he’s annoyed. We let it cool down. But it pretty much fizzles out from there. He said he doesn’t think he can deal with the stress I add to his already stressful life. So I was like okay. So we haven’t spoken since really. Occasional likes on Instagram but that’s it. He still lives close by but while we were talking he did say he wants to move. So I’m sure by summer he’ll be gone. Also thankfully he’s an introvert. So I have no chance of seeing him. But honestly I don’t think I’m mentally prepared for if I do. So that’s pretty much it. The guys in my love life in the past years. What have we learned? Just don’t ignore me and keep me wondering.

So work. Sadly being disabled it was very hard to find work. I think some companies weren’t hiring me for fear of me not being to handle some physical aspects of the job and of course they couldn’t say that cause it’s illegal but yeah. Thankfully I found a job (this was during Manny period) downtown working with a 3rd party contractor for UberEats. It was the easiest fucking thing. Data entry and it paid well and you could make your own schedule. So 18/hr just to copy and paste info into UberEats data base. And I chose to work a 4/10 so I had a whole day to chill. I usually chose Monday since I enjoyed Sunday funday so much. So I could just be hungover all Monday. Sadly the contract ended. They hired me on again for a similar contract but this one was shorter. Then I was back to being unemployed. Then my other job (this was Geetho period) I found through a recruiter. And it was a contractor that does work for Chicago Housing Authority. Basically I was helping families in section 8 move into another section 8 property. I dealt with the families. All the landlords. All the paperwork. All under a time crunch. It was stressful af but I was good at it and I loved it. Well, I was working there about 5 months when my mom sent me a copy of a letter. Basically when I was on social security I applied to get my student loans cancelled. And since I was on a fixed income they did it and expedited it. My 60k in student loans was gone. Yay. Unfortunately I didn’t know (which is what this letter said) that I cannot be above the poverty line for 3 years after doing the student loan canceling program. My job was definitely above the poverty line. Weirdly enough this lined up with my falling out my wheelchair and being unable to go to work. They were gonna set me up with a WFH situation but I had to take the opportunity to bow out and blame it on my health in order to retain the cancellation of my student loans. They don’t know that. They told me if anything changes they would be happy to have me back. So maybe once this 3 year pause of being back on social security ends I can return there. Until then I’m back to being dirt poor. Yay.

This will be the last thing I mention in this blog post. I know it’s a lot but hey. I had to relatively catch you up on 4-5 years of my life. So over Covid I hung out with my friend group often. We made a little quarantine bubble of like 7 of us. We only did stuff together. We (mostly Marlin and I) fought a lot. Seeing only the same people over and over. Just getting drunk at home together. It was bad. So I saw Bumble had a BFF part to it. So I started swiping on that part. I met this young Indian boy who lived in the burbs. He was nerdy and nice so we started hanging out. We hung out all of quarantine. He became a part of my friend group. He was at every party. When they finally let us out of the house he was at every event. He told me he got a job at some power plant but that he would have to move away for 6 months to undergo training. I was like oh that sucks but hey. Good for him. He leaves and I don’t hear from him for a month. A month later he texts me back saying since it’s a government job they took his phone for security clearance stuff. Okay. Sure. He’s out there now. Texting more often. Posting on social media. Looks like he made some friends. Good for him. He tells me he’s gonna be in town for Halloween. Dope. That’s like gay Christmas. I tell him I’ll invite him to everything. It’ll be so fun. We go out with my friends one night. He comes home with me. We sit on my couch drunk and watching a movie. He drives back to the burbs. He had to leave soon but said he wants to see me before then. So he comes over and we just hang out at home and get drunk. We needed booze so we went to 711 together and I got some monacos. We drank through those. I had to poop. So I told him run to the liquor store and get more booze while I poop. He says okay. He gets back. We drink. Then I get a text from me bank. Saying unusual activity and overdraft. I’m like wtf? So I look for my wallet. Oh no did I leave it at 711? Then I remember no. In one of the games we were playing it asked to see who has the ugliest ID. So I had my wallet here. He pulls it out from under my table and says I put it down there. Why on earth would I have put it down there? I check my wallet and everything is still in there. So I’m like wtf? So I check my bank account. Someone withdrew $600 from my account. So I’m freaking out. He tells me to dispute the charges. He has to leave cause he made plans to hang out with this girl friend prior. So he leaves. I start looking through my bank account and I see a $70 transfer over Venmo. I go check my Venmo and it’s to him. It was the night we were hanging out at my place watching that movie drunk. I’m like wtf. Why would I sent you $70? And he said maybe to square up for drinks for the night. No. I don’t spend that much going out. I tell him no that couldn’t be it and to send me my 70 back. He says he doesn’t have it. How? Bitch it should still be in your Venmo. He sends it back after I start getting suspicious. Marlin and Josie are both now convinced that he withdrew the $600. I call the bank to dispute the withdrawal. It’s right near the liquor store where I sent him. He’s still denying it’s him. I google it. $500 and above is a felony in the state of Illinois. I tell him the liquor store has cameras. I asked them for the footage and they said they can show me Monday. I have the relative time stamp cause it’s when my bank texted me. So I’ll see who withdrew money from that atm. He doesn’t respond. The next morning I wake up to $600 in my Venmo from him. He also blocked me on all social media and ignored all my texts. I was gutted. This dude was my friend. We hung out at least once a week for nearly 2 years. Like wtf. If he needed money I might’ve been able to help him. Was I always a mark? Did something happen? Was he actually at this training? His name still exists and he has a website for the job he told me he was training for. So like how much of it is true. Did I get Tinder Swindled (woot another one)? I’ll never know. But Ike Kabir chose to end our friendship over $600 and that’s sad to me. I met a new straight boy. He’s super nerdy. Super nice. Lives relatively close and he’s always down for whatever I wanna do. So hopefully Dustin isn’t running a long con on me too. Nah, I would never choose to think people are bad. I go into every interaction thinking people are good. You can prove me wrong and I’ll start treating you accordingly but prior to that. I have all the faith in you stranger.

Ghosted

So should we start with the serious stuff first or the “fun stupid typical Nick” stuff first.

Let’s switch it up and be serious first. So I had this job interview at this real estate company. They were hiring for a data entry position. 14/hr (I was gonna push for 15) and it was literally like 3 blocks from Cheesies. I went in and it went amazing. The woman and I talked about serious stuff. I seemed bubbly by intelligent. We joked around. Then she mentions a typing test. Okay, sure I know I type quickly. So I go do it but she’s sitting right next to me. It’s awkward. She’s like watching as I type. The words on the test were also words I never even heard of. So I slowed down at times to spell the word correctly. I had 98% accuracy but low speed. That isn’t my normal typing speed. I joked that it’s awkward with her sitting right there. She agreed. Set it up again and stepped out of the room. These words were more manageable. I got 67 WPM (more my speed). She told me that’s better than she did. We continued joking then as I’m about to leave she says hold on. Closes the door and then that’s when she asks about salary. I know that’s a good sign. We agreed on a salary. She told me she was going to speak to the manager and talk me up but that she wants me to come in the next day to speak to him in person. Cool beans. She texts me on my way home saying it was great meeting me and to confirm for tomorrow. I’m hyped. I grab some sushi and go home. She then calls me an hour later saying the manager wants to keep looking. He apparently is looking for someone with a typing speed of 70 (I was 67…). Apparently he scored like 90 and thinks someone with that speed she be doing the job. Who in the fuck types that fast accurately? Normal business typing speed is 65-75. Like wtf. I told her I understand and that was that. She told me I was still her top choice and she’ll continue to push for me. I sent her an email the next day thanking her and to keep me in the loop. That’s about all I can do.

So last Thursday I went out with Marlin, Annika, Josie, and Antonio. I was drunk before we even left Marlin’s apartment. I knew I was going to be trouble that day. I literally made a Facebook post preemptively apologizing to everyone. While we are at Marlin’s place Tonio made two jokes at me that I’ve told him before are points of conversations that I don’t appreciate joking about. Being single cause I’m ugly and being jobless. I think they’re two fairly easy topics to avoid. But nope. So he made those jokes. I was already annoyed because of that. Then we went out and he said something and I just snapped asking why he does shit like that? He snapped back. I got mad. Josie told me to be quiet and stop getting mad. That doesn’t work. That made me worse. Now I started angry drinking. The rest is a blur. I remember seeing glimpses of my friends throughout the night. That’s it. I busted my ass at the Spanish club, was continuing to be a bitch to Antonio, and was a complete jack ass to this guy that ghosted me (we’ll get to that later). The next day I was literally hungover the entire day. Seriously. I couldn’t eat. Couldn’t drink water. I was throwing up until 10:30 at night. It wasn’t a cute look.

So Sunday I was feeling better and ready to party. Marlin didn’t wanna stay out but I know him—I went around him and got everyone else wanting to go out. With all our friends going he couldn’t help but say okay. We were having fun. Antonio left early. Josie disappeared. Leaving me with Annika and Marlin. I was flirting with this guy all night so honestly I barely noticed anything. Around 10 I look over and notice Annika in a corner dancing by herself. Apparently Marlin left us. I was drunk but I had to sober up. Annika was drunk and down to party but honestly I didn’t wanna have to watch her all night so I told her let’s just go get some food and go home. Thankfully Marlin called and sent an Uber for her as we were eating Taco Bell together. I decided to go back out.

So I went to scarlet cause it was Latin night. While there I see this guy that likes Marlin and the guy that ghosted me. So let’s jump into that. So he was at a karaoke bar I was at one time. I noticed him but whatever. I apparently found him on Grindr. He said he remembered me and suggested we should hang out sometime. He never followed up. No big deal. Then I ran into one night at Roscoes. I didn’t know it was him until he told me. His name is Ricky. Ricky’s friend Jesus was into Marlin. So we all hung out that night. He kept lifting me up to dance with me. It was cute and fun. I got his number. Texted him a bit. Asked him if he wanted to hang out that week the next day. He responded yes but then when I nailed down a plan he didn’t respond. Ghosted. Okay. Oh, then I also found out he apparently had a boyfriend. So back to present. I’m at scarlet and both Jesus and Ricky are there. I like Jesus so I’m joking and hanging out with him and completely ignoring Ricky. I ended up getting mad cause someone lost my jacket that night so I just went home. Me being my pissy dramatic self texted him on my way home. He responded telling me he doesn’t have a boyfriend anymore. He didn’t get why I was mean to him because we apparently kissed (I don’t remember this). He then said I’m really handsome and he wants to see me hopefully the next day. I tried to play it cool and just went to sleep after that. I texted him the next day asking if he still wanted to hang out cause there’s a Venezuelan restaurant near my place (he’s Venezuelan). He didn’t respond. I texted him that evening. Guess not. Ghosted. Again. So if he thought I was a bitch to him for not talking to him before. Oh he better hope I don’t see him again. I might “accidentally” run him over or something.

In the end I get ghosted by guys and jobs. What’s the point? Drinking to forget my troubles.

It Was Probably the Winter Depression

So, let’s just face it. I’m a terrible human being. Honestly, my motivation has been pretty much next to none. It’s always been an issue I’ve had. When I have nothing to wake up for—I pretty much just don’t. I’ll lay in bed doing nothing until about 12 and then I’ll feel like a complete waste of life and will myself out of bed. By then I don’t wanna do anything but the bare necessities (sometimes eating/showering isn’t on that list). NOT ANYMORE! I know the only thing to do is to push through it. Maybe that whole winter depression hit me hard? Who knows. But it’s spring. The sun is out. It’s time for this flower to grow and be productive. Working out every morning, applying to jobs, and eating healthy. Summer is almost here and I’m not going back to Florida.

Speaking of Florida I should get you caught up. I kept mentioning the cruise and how I was dreading it—being on a boat with my family (who aren’t big fans of me) for a week. Well, when my family first showed in Florida it was actually nice. My cousins were cool. No one treated me like a kid. Except my middle brother, Mike. Granted he’s always been the one I’ve had the most issues with. He was the only there there when I was in NYC alone. He helped somewhat but not really. I told my oldest brother, Andy, that this is what he does. This is why he upsets me. He talked to me and then I think he must’ve talked to him. Mike tried more after that and so did I. We’ve always been the meanest and most sarcastic. Maybe that’s why we’ve always fought so much. One night on the cruise was a party and I was drunk and dancing. My brothers constantly groaned when I danced like a gay whore except this night. I was twerking to Rihanna (obvi) and Mike started spraying me with water and cheering me on. It felt like they finally just accepted; that’s Nick.

So the actual cruise was incredible. I shared a room with Andy. Dear lord. He was like awake every day by 8. Me not so much. Thankfully he gave me like an extra hour to sleep (I was out late every night—they had a club on the cruise–it sucked) and brought me a smoothie. They all got the drink package but my mom and I didn’t. Thankfully they handed me drinks often. There was a lot of drinking and tanning by the pool. They had a robot bar where he literally designed your own drink. So Andy would order me one that was like 70% vodka and 20% club soda and 10% ice. That usually fucked me up for a few hours. The food was meh. Except the restaurants. We all ate together about 3 times. It was nice. We had a huge group. My immediate family of about 8, Luis’s close friends (about 5?), De’Anthony’s family (about 5?), and my mom’s friends (about 4?). So our dinners were an ordeal. We had to organize them by like breakfast. But damn one night was unlimited lobster. We all WENT IN. We must’ve ordered about 20 lobster tails just to our table. It was free unlimited food. We got our money’s worth. Ordered every entree on the menu (not kidding). There was a water slide, zip lining, arcade, shows, a casino, several bars, and the club. Dear god the club. It was fun…for the first day. It was the same two DJs with the same set. And the music focused more on the rap side. I needed more Rihanna and Beyoncé to shake my ass to. I became famous by the end of the cruise. From my awesome karaoke skills to my sick dance moves. Everyone knew who Nick was even if I had no idea who they were.

We visited three islands. St. Thomas, Puerto Rico, and an island of Haiti the cruise ship owned. On St. Thomas I wanted to hit up the beach but I was with Andy and for some reason he wanted to stay near our parents. Who were…shopping…you could read my pissed off look from a mile away. I finally told him. Fuck this. Let’s go. Problem? The beach was far and everyone was taking a cab there. No cabs were handicap accessible. Then I looked at the map. There was one beach in the opposite direction. 2 miles away. I could walk there. But the cruise people weren’t sending us that way. I thought nothing of it. So we went there. This side of the island was destroyed still. Downed power lines, buildings destroyed, etc. They didn’t wanna show their guests that. However! The beach was impeccable. It had a beautiful view. There were literally only like 5 people there all of which were locals. It was amazing. On Puerto Rico all my family had “excursions” to do—tour of the Bacardi factory, ATV, etc. I couldn’t do of that so I told them I would do my own thing that day. They were concerned. I was on an island all by myself. Woe is me. So I explored the island. Walked all of it. We were in old San Juan. I explored the two forts on the island then started roaming the side streets away from the tourists. And I found it. My heaven. The strip of local bars. I hopped in one that had a drink special and ordered an appetizer and margarita and chatted with the locals. One of the guys told me they just had gotten power back 2 weeks before we got there. It was kind of sad. Here we are on this expensive boat eating unlimited lobster tails while these people don’t even have power. Two people asked me: “are you Puerto Rican?” So I replied: “yeah, both my parents were born here but I was born in NYC.” Their response (both of them): “oh so you’re almost Puerto Rican.” I guess so…Anywho, after that margarita I was fucked up. It was the first island we had WiFi…so I hopped on Grindr. Was supposed to go meet this guy but I was still eating and drinking. By the time I went to meet him it was too late. He had to return to work and I had to head to the boat. Forever lost. My Puerto Rican Grindr hook up. The last island we visited was owned by the cruise. So it was nothing but beaches and such. It was amazing. They lent me this little raft and I just kind of floated out in the water. Tanning and talking to my brothers. Honestly the cruise was amazing. Hella expensive. For that price there would be a more interesting trip I think but I would definitely do it again. (Not for a week though. I got tired of seeing some people every fucking day).

My social life: I’ve been incredibly single. Hook ups here and there (more here then they should be…). A few guys I’ve kind of liked but didn’t go anywhere. Whatever. It’s gonna be summer. I’m gonna be hot and I’m gonna follow Britney Spears and spread myself around.

Things with my new roommate are good. He’s a chill straight guy. Keeps to himself. My friend circle is still about the same.

Omg. I almost didn’t mention. So I played a MMO as a kid. Final Fantasy XI. It’s where I met my first boyfriend. Still have some friends from it to this day…well…I kind of restarted playing it out of boredom. My ex boyfriend still plays…I see him everywhere. He even saved me one time. It’s so awkward. We dated and lived together like 8 years ago. We joke but I can tell he’s keeping me at arms length and I can see he hasn’t changed much. Thankfully some friends I know still play too. So it’s kind of nice to have when I’m kind of at a loss for the day. And it beats going out and getting drunk.

That’s pretty much it! Let’s keep this up! Let’s be productive and get hot this summer!

Somewhere Between These Blackouts Was Turkey

Only 3 weeks in and I already fell behind again. I’m really an awful person. I’ll use the defense that the holidays distracted (which is so not true—but that’s none of your damn business!)

So two weeks ago was Josie’s birthday weekend. We had an entire weekend planned. It was gonna be lit. We went out Friday we’re having fun then ended up at Fantasy. This cute guy wanted to fool around with me in the bathroom so I went with him (I’m not kidding. What’s a hand job from a stranger in a public bathroom?) I get back and Marlin tells me that Josie is hurt. I think nothing of it but he tells me he’s serious. Apparently Antonio went to dance bachata with her and dip her and her white ass busted her knee in the process. So her entire birthday weekend was ruined. I felt really bad for her. We all ended up going home.

Saturday Marlin was going to see Cirque De Soleil and didn’t get home until 11. Josie was down and Antonio was taking care of her. So I had no one to go out with so I stayed at home and watched movies.

Sunday Marlin took Josie and Antonio to see Cirque. When they got home I came over and we all started drinking and playing video games. Josie went to sleep early but Marlin, Antonio, and I were fucked up. We decided we wanted to go out. Problem? By the time we wanted to go out it was 3:30 AM…we agreed YOLO—the clubs close at 4. Let’s go. We got to Boystown and no where was letting us in. Really I don’t know what our dumb drunk asses were thinking. Thankfully as we were passing Fantasy we saw our friend who is one of the owners. He invited us in and we all started hanging. We were drinking. A lot. I blacked out (I was drunk before we even got there). Marlin literally has pictures of me with closed/cross-eyed eyes. Forever classy. We stayed drinking at Fantasy and hanging out until like 5:30 AM. Marlin sent me home cause I was blacked out and they all continued hanging out until like 7:30…can’t say our life isn’t interesting.

Monday I was literally hungover the entire day. I was sick and threw up and didn’t feel better until Tuesday. Whoops.

So I had no where to go for Thanksgiving so I asked Marlin if I could go with him to see his family. Most of his family knows and likes me anyways so he agreed. I was always taught never show up without a dish so I made this Puerto Rican meal (his entire family is German. I figured they could use something a bit more ethnic)—it’s called pastaleon. It’s essentially a Puerto Rican lasagna. Ground beef, green beans, and platanos all layered. My mom didn’t know the exact recipe so I fucked up the platanos part but my meat and green beans were fire. My grandmother would be so proud.

Anywho, so we get there and I’m pooping and I’m looking at their collections of magazines and I see a Disney one. At the top it says “Micky Maus” and I’m thinking that’s weird. Then I continue to look through the magazine and it’s just making no sense…then I remember they’re all German. I was trying to read German and couldn’t fathom why I didn’t know these words. His sister and brother are great. I’ve already hung out with them several times. His mom was a bit over bearing but whose mom isn’t? But she was very nice. And his dad was almost quietly intimidating.

So for Thanksgiving dinner we went to his aunt’s house. His grandmother was cooking. It was fun. Good food. Afterwards they decide they wanna play some games. Marlin was being too lazy to stand up so we start playing Telephone. Marlin’s mom is the one whispering things to me. Anywho, it’s her turn to make a phrase and she whispers in my ear and I have NO idea what she said. It didn’t make sense. I pieced together what I thought I heard. Turns out she freaking whispered a German phrase to me and did not tell me it was German so my brain associated how these words sounded to an English word. It did not turn out well. They did that to me twice. Rude. Then we started playing a Truth or Dare game we found on the App Store. It was supposed to be for kids but some of the questions/dares were certainly not for kids. “Who in this room of the same gender would you have sex with?”/”Chug the rest of your drink”/etc. What the fuck kind of kid’s truth or dare is that? Makes me terrified/intrigued to play the adult version. Anywho, we all ended up going back to Marlin’s place and playing video games all night. It was a nice Thanksgiving and I’m glad I had people to spend it with. Certainly made me thankful for the friend’s I’ve made over the past few years here in Chicago.

I was actually well behaved Friday and Saturday. I was kind of socially overwhelmed still. While I enjoyed Thanksgiving spending that much time (especially in an intimate space) with strangers is taxing.

Sunday I was ready. Josie refused to miss another day out too. We were gonna make Sunday funday our bitch. (Sunday funday made us its bitch.) So we get to hydrate and we had sobered up because Antonio cut my hair before we left but it was a group effort and it was just rushed. None of us were feeling it. Marlin and Antonio left to go buy a little thing of vodka so we can do shots. Josie is sitting on a stool and I see she’s upset. I try talking to her but it wasn’t really working. Marlin gets back and Josie and I go to do a shot in the bathroom. She starts telling me why she’s upset. It sucks that she can’t move at the club comfortably. I get it. I feel bad for her. I’ve had this feeling a lot. I’ve gone to parties where I can’t even bring my wheelchair. I’ve had to just sit on a couch the entire time. It’s frustrating. Not many people appreciate the freedom of mobility. If I wanna go join a conversation sometimes I can’t. Even when I do have my wheelchair. Either there’s too many people in my way. There’s steps. People are sometimes just too tall and it’s rude of me to expect them to get closer to my height so I can hear them. I felt bad for her but we joked with her—girl it’s not like she’s out tearing up the dance floor. She’s usually just standing in one spot anyways. She laughed cause she knew we were right and calmed down. Then we all started to have fun. A lot of fun. We agreed to go home at a decent time so poor Josie hobbled over to pick us up pizza while her boyfriend came to pick her up and then Antonio, Marlin, and I were gonna leave. As we were about to leave Marlin’s ex walks in. Sees us and instantly turns around and walks out. We can’t leave yet now. Our friend buys us shots. We are having fun. Josie is blowing up our phones. She’s mad we aren’t leaving. We finally left like 15 minutes after we told her we would. We get back home. She’s mad and doesn’t wanna talk to us so she went to her room. Marlin, Antonio, and I keep drinking. Then I made a joke about Marlin’s ex. Sure enough there’s a knock at the front door and in he comes. Antonio and I both look at Marlin like wtf. First thing his ex does? Comes in and starts calling Antonio a whore. Literally meaning it. I’m drunk and confrontational and I’m not gonna let him talk shit about my friend so I go in. He then tells Marlin he doesn’t know why he hangs out with us. He can do better. (Like his friends are so much better?) Marlin tries to calm the situation down but it’s not happening. His ex decides to go to bed and demand Marlin joins him. Marlin says no cause he is playing video games with us. He gets mad. Continues talking shit about us. We agreed he needs to go. We call his friends and they come to get him. He starts causing a scene. Mind you Josie is definitely sleeping now. So we try to shut him up. His friends walk him out and he gets mad and does something fucked up. After he leaves the three of us are…varying degrees of upset. Marlin wants to go back out. We agreed.

We ended up back in Boystown at roscoes. We found Jimmy and hung out with him. It was also Britney night and drag queen night. Famous drag queens from RuPaul were there. It was fun. We drank a lot more than we should have that day. I think total we had about 10 drinks each. Whoops. We head home and as I’m walking Marlin tells me he’s hungry and bring him food. I was gonna get some McDonald’s anyways so I go to get him some. He’s texting me hurry and bitching. I get the food and text/call him…he fell asleep. Bastard. I gave the nuggets and fries I bought him to my roommate.

Today I have auditions again. I swear to god if I’m just a door man again…I’m not gonna do much…but fuck around on Grindr the whole time again…but still! I wanna see the actors actually speak. I wanna hear monologues. I actually wanna be a part of casting!

So in two weeks I’ll be back in Florida. Luis’s wedding and then a family cruise for a week. I am looking forward to it but also dreading it so badly. A week on a boat with people who barely like me. Most of them haven’t even seen drunk Nick either and there’s no way I’ll survive this trip without being drunk Nick. So it should be interesting. I’m thinking of reaching out to Jimmy and Russell while I’m back home. I haven’t spoken to Russell in about a year and Jimmy in longer. I don’t like the idea of these two people who were my best friends not liking me. I think this could be my last attempt to salvage some sort of relationship with them. The Jimmy one I know isn’t likely and that’s fine and probably for the best. But Russell. I often wonder about. Who is he hanging out with? Where is he living? How’s his mom? I wanna talk to him about Pokémon. Hopefully he’ll agree to meet me. Maybe he’ll come to Luis’s wedding. My mom wouldn’t mind driving him home afterward. I’ll reach out to mutual friends and see if he gets back to me. I hope so.